Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Laughing All The Way To The Open Bar....

Warning if you are a woman or Hugo Boy you will be offended.

So I recently went to the wedding of a friend, who by all accounts including mine has married a nice girl. It will probably work out because they were damn sure to lay out just what each of them wanted to do and his prenup is iron clad. My friend is an optimist, but he knows the odds too. Some relatives of mine were also there because he knew them as well having worked with some of them. After his wedding ceremony was over here is where the fun begins...Having come from a client meeting and knowing that I was going to a wedding I was looking my absolute finest. No sooner than the ceremony was over friends and relatives started looking at me and saying that "I was too cute not to have a girlfriend," and of course when I was going to get married. One of the brides friends who has been dying to get married since the age of 12 and will the be last one of her friends to get married asked if I wouldn't mind giving her a ride to the after party the converstation on the ride over runs like this:

Her: So what are you doing now?
Me: I work as an investment adviser in the city.
Her: So thats how you afford nice things?
Me: Yes, that is how I afford nice things for myself.
Her: So what do you do on the weekends for fun?
Me: I go out to clubs or bars for dinner and drinks, maybe catch a comedy act if someone good is in town.
Her: Wow, you and your girlfriend must have a great time, its too bad she couldn't make it today.
Me: I don't date.
Her: Your single!
Me: I don't date.
Her: Your not gay are you?
Me: No, I just don't date.
Her: Well how the hell are we suppossed to go out?
Me: We are not.

Now there is nothing physically wrong with this girl, she isnt fat, ugly or the elephant man's daughter. But she does have that I need a man vibe. As for me I simply don't date for the simple reason is that I am happy and intend to stay that way. Actually everytime I have dated a woman i did it when I was actually in a good place in life but after all was said and done I actually was worse of than when I started. So it went like rolling a boulder up a hill just to have it roll back down at you. Thanks but I only intend to keep moving up in the world not down.So as we pull up to the reception she streaks out of the passanger seat crying, because apparently I don't love her or she was probably thinking of the happy bride and groom dancing in the ballroom and how that she was not going be that happy bride....EVER. So a few of the brides maids rush after her as she hurls herself into the ever scared women's bathroom, which for some reason mystically add volume and echo to a woman's tearfull sobbing transforming her blubbering swan song of jilted maiden tears into the roaring banshee howl of an old spinster fucking a broken fog horn. I left her be and helped myself to a Beam and Coke.The ballroom where the dance floor and dinner tables were was a sight to behold. Not that the place was fabulous but they surreal nature of the seating. First off you had two tables one table were divorced husbands all sitting together the next table was all their divorced wives sitting together. Of course it even more comical when everyone started dancing they ended up dancing together because they were told old to find someone young, they ruined each other financially not to mentioned fucked up their lives, but they would rather dance with each other than sit at a table with nobody to call their own especially at a wedding party. The rest of the tables were set up with family and friends. Now the friends were interesting because their tables were set up in such a way that the those who were probably next to get married were all sitting together. I couldn't help but to think how long it would be before they were taking the places of those sitting at the currently divorced tables.Now the night moves along fine. I'm on good behavior because its a friend's wedding and I'm not going to fuck up his day, plus I'm in a good mood because I have a group of 7 people asking me about the market and what stocks are hot and that does nurish my ego. I'm making my way to the bar to freshen my drink when the DJ stops the music to make an announcement.

DJ: If I could have everyone's attention please. XXXXX wishes to dedicate this song and dance to a man she cares about. She wants to melt your cold heart with her warmth, Mr. GreyFox could you please come to the dance floor...

I can now hear some awe's coming up from the guests and there in the middle of the dance floor is the girl who I had given a ride to, who had blindly ran into the women's room crying when we arrived at the party, and now this....what was I to do.Well it is tradition that the Bride and Groom slip away early from the party to consumate their relationship for the "first" time. So taking a page from that game book I slipped out the door near the bar in the reception hall, making my way to the car.If you have never left a woman expecting you on the dance floor in front of a large crowd of people like that you probably don't know what I'm going to talk about next, but if you have.... You feel like you just scored one for the good guys, or bad guys deepending who's side you are rooting for, but more importantly it feels like you shrugged off this dirty yoke, like you were expected to be that guy who finds love at someone elses wedding that you to have the love bug now and everyone is a couple now. You feel like you escaped this mickey-mouse-club-let's-drink-the-cool-aid cult. So I drove to the one most secluded, laid back bar I knew laughing all the way.

-Grey Fox

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Predictions For The New Year.....

They say that the New Year is meant to be a symbol of hope. That you can start fresh, unburdened by last years mistakes. You are free to start over again. While that is true on a personal level, geopolitically and economically speaking the New Year does not forgive mistakes from the past. People also think its fun to predict what next year will hold and to see if they are right. So without further delay:

I hope most of them are not going to come true
  • George W. Bush will announce that he is sending more troops to Iraq.
  • The Democrats will not be able to field a viable presidential candidate.
  • Lindsay Lohan will fall off the AA bandwagon into a bottomless pit of scotch.
  • Rudy Giuliani will get the Republicans nod for the presidential nomination.
  • You will probably have at least one regrettable hook-up.
  • The military bases in Germany being closed are merely going to be moved to Iraq so instead of having troops on deployment, they will merely be on a tour. Bush can claim he brought the troops on deployment home and call it a political victory, because the American public is too stupid to realize nothing changed. He may or may not land on an aircraft carrier to announce the mission has been accomplished a second time.
  • Any girl that turned 17 this year will no longer be jail bait by the end of the next coming year.
  • Any economic momentum gained by all the holiday shopping will be squandered when the president and or congress do something stupid.
  • All freshman girls in college will gain at least 15 pounds.
  • All freshman girls that went to Randolph Macon College will gain at least 30 pounds and 3 kinds of STDs.
  • American Idol will pick another winner who will be talented, hardworking and likable. To bad the American public won't take the same time they spend on making their choice for American Idol on picking the right candidate for office.
  • Taco Bell stock will take a dive for some reason.
  • You will still eat at Taco Bell.
  • You will get diarrhea at least once from eating at Taco Bell.
  • Religious groups like the Westboro Baptists will continue preach that everyone is a gay sinner who God hates and will be punished. They will still claim that God is a loving, forgiving and compassionate being. Once again the Westboro Baptists will miss the whole loving, forgiving, and compassionate thing God is all about.
  • Stupid Southern and Midwestern hicks will wish that George W. Bush still had another 4 years in office. Snobby elitist liberals will wish those hicks would finally just cousin fuck each other till their offspring were sterile.
  • Major wars will erupt in Africa due to poverty, famine and corrupt governments. Watch for Somalia to make it back into the news again.
  • George Clooney will continue to call for an end to violence in Darfur through government intervention, but balk when he finds out that would actually require a military response.
  • George W. Bush will not give a shit about Darfur because the people there are black, which keeps suit with his response to Louisiana.
  • Asian Bird Flu will finally get the response needed when it kills beloved celebrity Big Bird.
  • Someone will tell a child that Santa is not real and that thanks to Hanukkah Jewish kids are guaranteed 7 presents at least, that child will cry.
  • Your parents, even if over 50 are guaranteed to do it at least one time this year.
  • Either congress will vote the draft back in, or president George W. Bush will use an executive order to bring back the draft.
  • You will pay more in taxes especially if you are in the middle class.
  • Social Security will start to collapse.
  • Iraq, unless violently suppressed will continue be complete chaos and casualties will mount.
  • North Korea will launch a missile at Japan, Japan will launch Godzilla at North Korea if it hasn't been destroyed by a North Korean missile.
  • You will cop a feel on a hot chick while very drunk.
  • Tucker Max may or may not be a liar but he will write another funny best seller and I will read it.
  • The international sector of the stock market will do well because the American market will tank.
  • More industrial labor jobs will be sent to foreign countries. More people will not have a job.
  • The president, the senate, and congress will futher lose touch with the needs of the American public. But they will still want to touch Jessica Alba.
  • AIDs will continue to go out of control in Africa because Christian charities will deny supplies, medcines and funds because the idea of teaching safe sex is a greater sin than idly sitting by and allowing millions to die apparently.
  • The Islamic world will continue to push the West around and get us give up more of our freedoms to appease them.
  • Osama Bin Laden will continue to receive support from Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.
  • The United States will still be dependent upon Middle East oil.
  • Energy companies will squash at least one promising alternative energy source that would free the United States from Middle East oil.
  • Tensions between China and India will become strained.
  • Politically Correctness will become even more absurd.
  • The demands from women on men will go beyond absurd.
  • Maddox will be totally bummed that he didn't think up this list first.
  • You will tell 50 friends about this blog damn you!
  • You will meet at least two women who have their lives run by Oparh, MTV and The View.
  • For some reason you will not date those two women.
  • The murder rate in Baltimore will continue to skyrocket, but you'll never hear about it because Martin O'Malley and the Baltimore City Police will not report all the cases they actually run into.
  • Martin O'Malley will suck as governor of Maryland, and his ugly mistress will continue to suck him off. Things in Maryland will suck as well.
  • Firefighters and Police officers will continue to be underfunded and overworked, you will at least donate 10 bucks to a credible charity that helps them out.
  • You will thank a U.S. serviceman or woman for what they do, because you damn well would not want to have to do it yourself unless you are in the service. Sending a care package to a serviceman or woman abroad is a good way of saying thanks.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt's nose will continue to get bigger as she continues to dress even more hideously than before.
  • Despite the benefits of stem cell research, the religious right will continue to have knee jerk reactions against it.
  • The seperation between church and state in the United States will continue you dissolve.
  • Comedian Bill Maher will still have his T.V. show on HBO despite not being funny.
  • Those two women who let Oparh, MTV and The View run their lives will commit suicide when they find out their lives are meaningless, fake and cost them decent attractive men. Four more women however will rise up and take their place. Oparh, MTV and The View will not care or notice.
  • The public school system in American and especially in Baltimore will continue to decline as money is sucked away from the schools for stupid pork barrel projects and unfunded mandates.
  • Shelia Dixon will continue to steal money from the people of Baltimore until she is no longer mayor.
  • There will be at least one major fire in the Western United States.
  • There will be at least two school shootings, it may or may not be the Amish taking their revenge.
  • Tom Cruise will continue to lie awake at night fighting for sleep as he is tormented by the fact he continues to deny his homosexuality and that Mission Impossible 3 sucked.
  • Mission Impossible 4 will not star Tom Cruise. He will tell Katie Holmes to cut her hair short and fuck her from behind to fell better about himself.
  • No one will ask why Madonna and Angelina Jolie didn't just adopt some disadvantaged child from their own country.
  • Men will continue to face a gender bias against them in Divorce and Custody proceedings.
  • The Divorce rate will continue you to climb.
  • You will think about the last two predictions when you decide to propose this year.
  • The startegy in Iraq will not work and Georege W. Bush will be to pigheaded to admit it.
  • Grey Fox will write another list of predictions next year.

-Grey Fox

Monday, December 18, 2006

They Teach You Safe Sex, But They Don't Teach You...

"And the sixth day God made man, and on the seventh day he rested, and on the day after that God made woman. From that day forward God and man have not since rested."
-The quote on the conduct referral written by the Nun for "blasphemy" by Grey Fox in sixth grade religious studies class that for some reason was undertaking the sexual education component.

Yeah my sex ed experience, nuns, those fat no sex having penguins teaching me after sex. Actually is was more about abstaining till marriage, or doing the priest or nun thing. You have to love that recruitment pitch they slip in there. The pinnacle of that farce was that one of the nun's passed out pledge cards for us to sign and keep. This pledge card was a contract with God that we would abstain from sex until we were married, and we were to read it when we felt the "urge." I had my reasons for not signing the card first, if I truly believe in being abstinent I don't need a card for something my religion would require. Second having firmly come to terms with being human I knew that at some point I was bound to fuck up, that thing I want to do is top off pissing off my creator by breaking the no nookie rule by violating a contractual agreement. Of course my classmates jumped on the bandwagon and a couple found out that I didn't sign. They started to pitch the no nookie clause to me, but I wasn't down with the Cool Aid they were passing out. Of course like sixth graders the next big "event" would make them forget all about this. Just my luck, or the nature of the beast a few weeks later one of the girls let it spill that one of the guys she had been "dating" in my class could only get a 2 inch boner when she gave him a blow job. Bless that little whore, everyone dropped the pious routine and like jackals over a fresh kill they tore away at all the juicy details. Overnight a popular kid in my class went from A-list to Z-list, his reputation was destroyed and he would not get a date again till he was in high school in a different county....

See this is the shit they don't teach you in sex ed class. Sure they talk about safe sex, but they never talk about safe dating. The teaching will never tell the kids to watch this video or look at this diagram on how to keep a bitch's mouth shut after you do the deed. There are no seven warning signs pamphlets you are dating a gold digger or an attention whore, like there are with STDs. When it comes to these life lessons it gets left up to trial and error, so many people freak out and blush at the thought of telling their child about the act of sex, they forget about what has to happen in order to even make it up to that point. Some of you never got a teacher willing to take the time to give you a basic run through on this stuff.


First and foremost here are the types of women you should avoid:
  1. "They Guys kinda Guy Girl:" This girl can pal around with any of the boys, goes drinking, talks about her sexual "conquests," she'll even suggest going to the strip club. While this sounds cool this girl is not. First she definitely has underlying daddy issues hence why she dives right into the guy stuff, at the worst she has gender issues that are slowly eating away at her psyche. Next no wants to hear some girl having so many sexual partners her vagina is now a clown car and who knows who's climbing out of that stretched out cock trap. For anyone woman not understanding what I am getting at if you are reading this part, here is how it works: Guys like to know that you like sex, not having sex with a ton of other guys, that we don't like.
  2. The Prude and "The Prude:" The first is obvious, most of these girls are conservative on everything including sex. They are not fun, they are sour little creatures who frown on cutting loose. They are also the ones to make it harder on the rest of the women out there to want to express themselves sexually because these are the ones that start all those anti-male/anti-sex campaigns. The other is a fake prude, her fake piety and propriety makes her just a bad as the real thing, but deep down she is more jaded than a stripper. Trust me on this. They will seem to pure and to innocent, something won't feel right.
  3. The Attention Whore and Gold Digger: Yeah brother these have a special place in Hell in my book. They are a pain in the ass who drain men of their money, time, and sanity because it feels so good for them to be the star of the show. They probably put out when they were 15 at the latest, they have been relying on their body to get them through life. Sure looks can get you pretty far but these monsters get their just reward when age and better looking younger women take them out of the game. These women are easily I.D.ed by the fact that they will have a bunch of guys in their lives, they hang out with someone different on the weekneds, and they never seem to pick one guy definately as the guy to be in a long term relationship with. They also have a habit of only wanting to do things that cost money and let them feel they are living the life.

But just like people you cannot just lump everyone into a group and expect them to fit neatly into a category, but there are definate warning signs that you should never be afraid to say to yourself that you may need to get out before it ends up costing you:

  • She starts fights constantly, not even over couples issues.
  • She tries to plan out what you do with your time.
  • She sees your friends as a threat.
  • She suddenly loses intrest in doing something if its "low budget."
  • She takes a non emergency phone call during a date and launches into a conversation.
  • You notice that there is another guy is "competing" for her, but she seems to keep things moving in a direction that neither signals you or him as her man.
  • She tells you about all her personal problems, she talks about all the gossipy junk in her life. Congratulations you are her emotional tampon.
  • She get jealous at the smallest thing.
  • She makes a habit of talking down to you or she thinks she is the alpha in the relationship.
  • She keeps secrets from you.
  • She can't keep your secrets or the intimate details of your relationship quiet.
  • She has had 4 sexual partners that were random and definately questionable hook-ups.
  • She starts changing what you do and how you behave.
  • She pushes the relationship to move quickly, or she has an agenda or fixed timetable on how things should go.
  • She thinks she can decieve you.
  • If she causes you to doubt her....

The big thing about safe dating is that you are careful and diligent throughout the entire process. Even more so you need to be able and willing to end it with a girl or shutdown the relationship building process with her, meaning no more dating or contact. Because if a girl is that bad, she will sting you somewhere along the line even if you are just friends. Remember just because we were born at night does not mean we were born last night so don't let them think they can put one over on you. Do your homework and your good to go.


-Grey Fox

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Okay, you pulled my arm....

Since AI - master of all that is political - has invited me to, I've decided to make a few statements on the supposed hero of the 2008 election, Barack Obama. Since his unheard of ascension to the United States Senate in 2004 he's gathered much attention as a strong national leader and potential executive (or vice-executive) for America in the coming years. Here's a few responses.

Is he really that eloquent?
One comment generally (and undeservedly, in my humble opinion) given to Obama is about his stage presence. This can be reflected in the blogosphere, in fact - many people support Obama on the premise that he can eloquently speak on topics. However, here's what you must keep in mind:

1) He's a Harvard Trained Lawyer, and
2) Given his touring, he likely has a PR and speech writing staff the size of a military squadron.

Given this, it is no surprise that when he speaks - whether at the 2004 DNC or at a random stop on the "Obama 2007 Shuck 'n Jive to the White House" tour, he comes across as an amalgamation of MLK and Kennedy.

To me, what would stand as a better test is how he sounds when he is in an impromptu discussion. Or even a potentially scripted one (did anyone see when he was on Jay Leno?). In these points, we can see glimpses of his true idiocy. After seeing this a few times - scripted Obama versus conversational Obama - I renamed him Barack 'Uh'bama.

My point: A polished performer can get people to believe anything. And we've seen actors make their ways in Federal politics before... Ronald Reagan anyone? And being genuine can be very easily mimicked as well - Even George W. Bush can seem to really care about the people of Iraq at times....

"I don't really have a platform, how about this?"
With two years as a Senator, Obama has developed quite a national presence. However, in my time watching him, I've concluded that this presence could not have come from his knowledge of the Issues. Instead, I would attribute this instead to his ability to pass himself as the American dream... which he somehow manages to do in EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION HE HAS. In essence, Barack would rather us marvel at his past than wonder about our collective future. Good call, Senator.

Instead of offering substantive commentary on the issues or even a definitive idea, Obama generally touches on themes of consensus growth, believing that we can work together to accomplish our goals. Fair enough - if a seasoned politician made such a stance. However, when a Junior Senator makes such a statement, it means one of two things to me:

1) He is gearing up to appeal to a larger base (OBAMA 2008)
2) He has no particular ideas of his own.

Deconstructing Obama
And for the record: Remember, Obama's the product of two well educated parents, and was exposed to the world at a young age. From there he was able to attend two Ivy League Schools. He is far from your average American, don't believe the hype.

The Audacity of Obama
Only in America would someone like Obama even receive the attention he's getting. We must look at the facts:
1) He's been in the national headlines for essentially 2 1/2 years,
2) He's had a less than impressive - which is to say unsubstantial - record in the senate (freely admitted by his fans, I might add - they call him a "stealth candidate," I call him a "waste of votes"),
3) He's being looked at as a contender for the 2008 election

Perhaps its more a tribute to how pathetic the Democratic Primary will be (Vilsack? Kucinich? Okay, sure.), but to me Obama should be getting laughed off of The Hill. The apparent appeal of Obama so far stands as yet another victory of style over substance. My only comfort in this would be that he would likely scare Hillary - the only person who I dislike even more.

My point:
If Obama wants to run, Zeus bless him and good luck. I'm sure some people will vote for him on some noble principle ("A black guy should lead the country now." Wow, voting by skin color would never hurt the country), but it will not come from the issues. Barack Obama has utterly and monumentally failed to offer us a definitive vision for the future besides in a form that he makes $13.99 off of. Instead, he hopes to perform a magic trick: throwing a seasoned speaker but juvenile politician into a hat and pulling out a credible leader of our country. But some of us are onto his tricks. With any hope, the people of this country won't be duped when the primaries come in 2008.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Why Everyone Should Despise the M.U.F.F.

M.U.F.F. (Noun): The term M.U.F.F. is an acronym used to describe a woman of low physical beauty and large girth. M.U.F.F. stands for My Ugly Fat Friend. Because the woman is exactly that ugly and fat. She is usually found along side moderately attractive to attractive women, because by being so ugly and fat she makes her friend look better by comparison. M.U.F.F.'s also typically act as the gatekeeper for better looking women and are typically subdued from their guard dog duty by what most men would call the act of "taking one for the team," or "leaping on the grenade."

Also see: A.U.F.W.L when in club or bar situations, refers to Ass Ugly Friend Who will want to Leave.

-Taken from the Lexicon Of Grey Fox

The M.U.F.F. is by far one of the most vile creatures you will come across on this earth. Sure there was Caine who after slaying his brother Able was forever marked by God and to be reviled by mankind, but there was only one of him, the numbers of M.U.F.Fs in the world definately out weigh one skinny guy from the Old Testament. Actually one good sized M.U.F.F. would out weigh him. What makes a M.U.F.F. so vile is not because a woman is ugly and fat, that just makes her unattractive, its what she stands for and more importantly allows herself to stand for.

You see a M.U.F.F. willing accepts the friendship of a hot girl, because that girl is in the IN crowd, she brings the M.U.F.F. social exposure, and fiegns friendship to her. In return the M.U.F.F. just has to be one part nun and one part bodyguard for the hot girl. The M.U.F.F. damn well knows that she is not real friends with this hot girl because they just "click" and can talk about anything. But she fools herself into thinking otherwise, the only reason that hot girl wants to talk to her M.U.F.F. is so she can have an emotional tampon to bleed all her spoiled feelings about boys that fustrate her and how her parents are bastards for not getting her that Louie Baton bag. Even worse a M.U.F.F. allows herself to be treated and trained like a dog. She goes where her master goes, the bar, the club, the movies, the mall and so on. The dog training kicks in when she watches which guys her hot girl master shots down, and eventually learns which ones she should cock block. For her reward she gets taken to Basket Robbins or late night Taco Bell for a treat. Don't believe me? Go look through the glass window some time its like their kennel.

If the loss of self respect is enough to despise these beasts, then its what happens to them as they serve out their time as a M.U.F.F. You see at first they start out naive, they believe that guys will want them just because they are around a hot girl. So naturally the get bitter when the guys hurdle past them like they were leaping over dog shit to keep their Aldo's nice and clean. And just when they think they are about to land one, thats when the wingman, the guy sent in to distract the M.U.F.F., runs like hell once his buddy is in with the hot girl. Overtime a little seed of jealously and bitterness takes root in their soul. Soon they start looking for guys to actively shoot down, even the one's her hot girl master likes. The M.U.F.F. will even fool herself into believe that she is in fact a hot girl, this accounts for all those fat girls in the club that dress way to "sexy" for their weight class. They get pissy, willfull and mouth off. Eventually they end up biting the hand that feeds them, and just like a puppy that has gotten older and is no longer cute, the master kicks her to the curb. Seriously the hot girl kicks the M.U.F.F. out her life because the M.U.F.F. has been sabotaging her relationships, scaring off decent men and dared to believe she and the hot girl were equals. So out on the street she goes and another M.U.F.F. gets called up and the cycle continues.

That's why M.U.F.Fs are so vile, they not only act like complete bitches to everyone by the time they become a full blown M.U.F.F. But they also willing become one to be accepted by the IN crowd. They accept slavery in a sense that they give up their free will, self respect and autonomy for the sake of following someone who promises the chance at something better by being their servant. Look ladies its okay to be fat, and you don't have to be pretty, you need to get your loving, well just not from me, but there are friends and guys out there for you. Please don't choose to be a M.U.F.F., its like drugs just say no.

You ladies may be saying to yourself, Grey Fox I am not the M.U.F.F. This could be true, but take a look at your friends if you cannot find the ugly fat one, I'd hit the home shopping channel up for a stairmaster and a makeover kit. There are better things than being a M.U.F.F. like a goth chick or a practice girl for some guy who needs to build confidence. But if you are a M.U.F.F. and don't care, then know society shuns you, men hate you, and your hot friends don't like you. Go have another twinkie.....

-Grey Fox

Kucinich Is In.........

Well folks, Kucinich is throwing his hat into the ring for the 08 race for the white house. I was a Kucinich fan back in 04, I voted for him in the primary even though Kerry had the nod locked by then. I thought Kucinich brought a great perspective that stood in stark contrast to the corporate dems. Unfortunately many folk cannot get past the idea that he doesn't "look presidential". What a world we live in. I guess that means we should be looking at Obama. He has that great smile and says those platitudes that make us feel oh so good. Oh ........., and he is black, tall, good lookin, speaks well, and doesn't scare white folks! I suspect TBC has more to say on Obama. Thats if he isn't too angry to type. But for now, I'm interested in what Kucinich will do.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself....

To Quote Cyprus Hill:

"Get Ready Motherfuckas'."

We will be talking more later....

-Grey Fox

Welcome, Grey Fox!

I'd like to take a moment to welcome Grey Fox to our assembled cast. Grey Fox is an old and dear friend of mine who will bring us insights on women, relationships, and how screwed up our culture is with regards to both.

Have at it, bud!


Monday, December 11, 2006

The Agnostic Insomniac has signed in!

I am pleased to join TBC in what will be a blog dedicated to scathing critiques of humanity. My interests include music, fitness, tech, and politics. I grew up going to church, however, experiences with family, friends, and society, led me astray. Over time I found the message of the church to be shallow and unfullfilling. It is difficult, because being a black atheist goes contrary to the stereotypical view of the jesus loving church going black folk. Of course, those black folk who dare cast aspersions on the atheists who need 'jebus' should ponder why they worship a slavery imposed white jesus.

In terms of politics, I was a loyal and unquestioning democrat. However, my naivete and partisan blinders began to break down after the 2000 pres. election. Lack of democratic backbone in the face of the republican warmongers made me lose hope in party leaders. And winning the 2006 elections by default does not impress me. The majority of the establishment, including several CBC members, are bought political hacks willing to sell their constituent's interests down the toilet for a quick campaign contribution and electoral power. The two major parties wallow like pigs eating from the same trough. I remain liberal in my viewpoints however I now cringe at the thought of calling myself a democrat. For now, I consider myself politically unaffiliated.

Expect greatness to follow in coming days ..........

So yeah, hi....

If you somehow managed to make it through all the text from my last post, I thought I'd say "howdy," "ni hao" and "Bonjour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!"

Full web handle is The Baltimore Cynic, but call me TBC for short. I'm a 24 year old worker, and you get no points if you can guess where I'm from. My interests include reading, working out extensively (generally 4-7 days a week if lucky), music, and being out and about when possible.

SBA and I grew up together, but life sends people to different places it seems. However, we talk often, and at some point one of us concluded that our ideas were pretty damn a) offensive, b) hilarious, and c) provocative. It turns out those three things are needed to post a good blog, so here we are.

We both have a decent amount in common; we're both black, both atheists, and both well educated (That is, both of us attend/have attended graduate school). Our writing tends to take on different things as well. SBA's taken a lot more time to analyze the political environment along with relationships and make astute observations, while I tend to reserve my scorn for religion and popular culture. However, we have many observations on many things, and you will be able to partake of that.

Also: Unlike certain corpulent black bloggers who more resemble gestapo with girth than respectable writers, we will not delete or edit your posts. Ever. If you have a good idea, we will honor it by letting it stay up and offer feedback. Alternatively, if you make a stupid posting, we will leave it for everyone to laugh at.

That's all for now. Stay tuned to the blog, there's a lot to be said over the next few days and beyond.


Confessions of an Infomercial Junkie; Consumerism Run Amok, part 1.

My name's Chad Smith. I'm an everyday person, with one small difference from most people: I am committed to optimal efficiency. Fortunately, there is a service available to insure I get it: the infomercial. The result of this is a life of simplicity thanks to a few small substitutions here and there. I thought i'd give a breakdown of one of my days for you.

6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.

7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.

8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.

"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"

I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.

9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...

"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."

That was close.

11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.

"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.

3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.

5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.

"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.

A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.

6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.

6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.

"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"

I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.

"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."

Simmer, Chad...

"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"

We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.

"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."

Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.

"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."

Strike three.

"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.

8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.

"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"

In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.

10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.

"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"

...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.

"Hello, I'd like to buy..."