Since AI - master of all that is political - has invited me to, I've decided to make a few statements on the supposed hero of the 2008 election, Barack Obama. Since his unheard of ascension to the United States Senate in 2004 he's gathered much attention as a strong national leader and potential executive (or vice-executive) for America in the coming years. Here's a few responses.
Is he really that eloquent?
One comment generally (and undeservedly, in my humble opinion) given to Obama is about his stage presence. This can be reflected in the blogosphere, in fact - many people support Obama on the premise that he can eloquently speak on topics. However, here's what you must keep in mind:
1) He's a Harvard Trained Lawyer, and
2) Given his touring, he likely has a PR and speech writing staff the size of a military squadron.
Given this, it is no surprise that when he speaks - whether at the 2004 DNC or at a random stop on the "Obama 2007 Shuck 'n Jive to the White House" tour, he comes across as an amalgamation of MLK and Kennedy.
To me, what would stand as a better test is how he sounds when he is in an impromptu discussion. Or even a potentially scripted one (did anyone see when he was on Jay Leno?). In these points, we can see glimpses of his true idiocy. After seeing this a few times - scripted Obama versus conversational Obama - I renamed him Barack 'Uh'bama.
My point: A polished performer can get people to believe anything. And we've seen actors make their ways in Federal politics before... Ronald Reagan anyone? And being genuine can be very easily mimicked as well - Even George W. Bush can seem to really care about the people of Iraq at times....
"I don't really have a platform, how about this?"
With two years as a Senator, Obama has developed quite a national presence. However, in my time watching him, I've concluded that this presence could not have come from his knowledge of the Issues. Instead, I would attribute this instead to his ability to pass himself as the American dream... which he somehow manages to do in EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION HE HAS. In essence, Barack would rather us marvel at his past than wonder about our collective future. Good call, Senator.
Instead of offering substantive commentary on the issues or even a definitive idea, Obama generally touches on themes of consensus growth, believing that we can work together to accomplish our goals. Fair enough - if a seasoned politician made such a stance. However, when a Junior Senator makes such a statement, it means one of two things to me:
1) He is gearing up to appeal to a larger base (OBAMA 2008)
2) He has no particular ideas of his own.
Deconstructing Obama
And for the record: Remember, Obama's the product of two well educated parents, and was exposed to the world at a young age. From there he was able to attend two Ivy League Schools. He is far from your average American, don't believe the hype.
The Audacity of Obama
Only in America would someone like Obama even receive the attention he's getting. We must look at the facts:
1) He's been in the national headlines for essentially 2 1/2 years,
2) He's had a less than impressive - which is to say unsubstantial - record in the senate (freely admitted by his fans, I might add - they call him a "stealth candidate," I call him a "waste of votes"),
3) He's being looked at as a contender for the 2008 election
Perhaps its more a tribute to how pathetic the Democratic Primary will be (Vilsack? Kucinich? Okay, sure.), but to me Obama should be getting laughed off of The Hill. The apparent appeal of Obama so far stands as yet another victory of style over substance. My only comfort in this would be that he would likely scare Hillary - the only person who I dislike even more.
My point:
If Obama wants to run, Zeus bless him and good luck. I'm sure some people will vote for him on some noble principle ("A black guy should lead the country now." Wow, voting by skin color would never hurt the country), but it will not come from the issues. Barack Obama has utterly and monumentally failed to offer us a definitive vision for the future besides in a form that he makes $13.99 off of. Instead, he hopes to perform a magic trick: throwing a seasoned speaker but juvenile politician into a hat and pulling out a credible leader of our country. But some of us are onto his tricks. With any hope, the people of this country won't be duped when the primaries come in 2008.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Why Everyone Should Despise the M.U.F.F.
M.U.F.F. (Noun): The term M.U.F.F. is an acronym used to describe a woman of low physical beauty and large girth. M.U.F.F. stands for My Ugly Fat Friend. Because the woman is exactly that ugly and fat. She is usually found along side moderately attractive to attractive women, because by being so ugly and fat she makes her friend look better by comparison. M.U.F.F.'s also typically act as the gatekeeper for better looking women and are typically subdued from their guard dog duty by what most men would call the act of "taking one for the team," or "leaping on the grenade."
Also see: A.U.F.W.L when in club or bar situations, refers to Ass Ugly Friend Who will want to Leave.
-Taken from the Lexicon Of Grey Fox
The M.U.F.F. is by far one of the most vile creatures you will come across on this earth. Sure there was Caine who after slaying his brother Able was forever marked by God and to be reviled by mankind, but there was only one of him, the numbers of M.U.F.Fs in the world definately out weigh one skinny guy from the Old Testament. Actually one good sized M.U.F.F. would out weigh him. What makes a M.U.F.F. so vile is not because a woman is ugly and fat, that just makes her unattractive, its what she stands for and more importantly allows herself to stand for.
You see a M.U.F.F. willing accepts the friendship of a hot girl, because that girl is in the IN crowd, she brings the M.U.F.F. social exposure, and fiegns friendship to her. In return the M.U.F.F. just has to be one part nun and one part bodyguard for the hot girl. The M.U.F.F. damn well knows that she is not real friends with this hot girl because they just "click" and can talk about anything. But she fools herself into thinking otherwise, the only reason that hot girl wants to talk to her M.U.F.F. is so she can have an emotional tampon to bleed all her spoiled feelings about boys that fustrate her and how her parents are bastards for not getting her that Louie Baton bag. Even worse a M.U.F.F. allows herself to be treated and trained like a dog. She goes where her master goes, the bar, the club, the movies, the mall and so on. The dog training kicks in when she watches which guys her hot girl master shots down, and eventually learns which ones she should cock block. For her reward she gets taken to Basket Robbins or late night Taco Bell for a treat. Don't believe me? Go look through the glass window some time its like their kennel.
If the loss of self respect is enough to despise these beasts, then its what happens to them as they serve out their time as a M.U.F.F. You see at first they start out naive, they believe that guys will want them just because they are around a hot girl. So naturally the get bitter when the guys hurdle past them like they were leaping over dog shit to keep their Aldo's nice and clean. And just when they think they are about to land one, thats when the wingman, the guy sent in to distract the M.U.F.F., runs like hell once his buddy is in with the hot girl. Overtime a little seed of jealously and bitterness takes root in their soul. Soon they start looking for guys to actively shoot down, even the one's her hot girl master likes. The M.U.F.F. will even fool herself into believe that she is in fact a hot girl, this accounts for all those fat girls in the club that dress way to "sexy" for their weight class. They get pissy, willfull and mouth off. Eventually they end up biting the hand that feeds them, and just like a puppy that has gotten older and is no longer cute, the master kicks her to the curb. Seriously the hot girl kicks the M.U.F.F. out her life because the M.U.F.F. has been sabotaging her relationships, scaring off decent men and dared to believe she and the hot girl were equals. So out on the street she goes and another M.U.F.F. gets called up and the cycle continues.
That's why M.U.F.Fs are so vile, they not only act like complete bitches to everyone by the time they become a full blown M.U.F.F. But they also willing become one to be accepted by the IN crowd. They accept slavery in a sense that they give up their free will, self respect and autonomy for the sake of following someone who promises the chance at something better by being their servant. Look ladies its okay to be fat, and you don't have to be pretty, you need to get your loving, well just not from me, but there are friends and guys out there for you. Please don't choose to be a M.U.F.F., its like drugs just say no.
You ladies may be saying to yourself, Grey Fox I am not the M.U.F.F. This could be true, but take a look at your friends if you cannot find the ugly fat one, I'd hit the home shopping channel up for a stairmaster and a makeover kit. There are better things than being a M.U.F.F. like a goth chick or a practice girl for some guy who needs to build confidence. But if you are a M.U.F.F. and don't care, then know society shuns you, men hate you, and your hot friends don't like you. Go have another twinkie.....
-Grey Fox
Also see: A.U.F.W.L when in club or bar situations, refers to Ass Ugly Friend Who will want to Leave.
-Taken from the Lexicon Of Grey Fox
The M.U.F.F. is by far one of the most vile creatures you will come across on this earth. Sure there was Caine who after slaying his brother Able was forever marked by God and to be reviled by mankind, but there was only one of him, the numbers of M.U.F.Fs in the world definately out weigh one skinny guy from the Old Testament. Actually one good sized M.U.F.F. would out weigh him. What makes a M.U.F.F. so vile is not because a woman is ugly and fat, that just makes her unattractive, its what she stands for and more importantly allows herself to stand for.
You see a M.U.F.F. willing accepts the friendship of a hot girl, because that girl is in the IN crowd, she brings the M.U.F.F. social exposure, and fiegns friendship to her. In return the M.U.F.F. just has to be one part nun and one part bodyguard for the hot girl. The M.U.F.F. damn well knows that she is not real friends with this hot girl because they just "click" and can talk about anything. But she fools herself into thinking otherwise, the only reason that hot girl wants to talk to her M.U.F.F. is so she can have an emotional tampon to bleed all her spoiled feelings about boys that fustrate her and how her parents are bastards for not getting her that Louie Baton bag. Even worse a M.U.F.F. allows herself to be treated and trained like a dog. She goes where her master goes, the bar, the club, the movies, the mall and so on. The dog training kicks in when she watches which guys her hot girl master shots down, and eventually learns which ones she should cock block. For her reward she gets taken to Basket Robbins or late night Taco Bell for a treat. Don't believe me? Go look through the glass window some time its like their kennel.
If the loss of self respect is enough to despise these beasts, then its what happens to them as they serve out their time as a M.U.F.F. You see at first they start out naive, they believe that guys will want them just because they are around a hot girl. So naturally the get bitter when the guys hurdle past them like they were leaping over dog shit to keep their Aldo's nice and clean. And just when they think they are about to land one, thats when the wingman, the guy sent in to distract the M.U.F.F., runs like hell once his buddy is in with the hot girl. Overtime a little seed of jealously and bitterness takes root in their soul. Soon they start looking for guys to actively shoot down, even the one's her hot girl master likes. The M.U.F.F. will even fool herself into believe that she is in fact a hot girl, this accounts for all those fat girls in the club that dress way to "sexy" for their weight class. They get pissy, willfull and mouth off. Eventually they end up biting the hand that feeds them, and just like a puppy that has gotten older and is no longer cute, the master kicks her to the curb. Seriously the hot girl kicks the M.U.F.F. out her life because the M.U.F.F. has been sabotaging her relationships, scaring off decent men and dared to believe she and the hot girl were equals. So out on the street she goes and another M.U.F.F. gets called up and the cycle continues.
That's why M.U.F.Fs are so vile, they not only act like complete bitches to everyone by the time they become a full blown M.U.F.F. But they also willing become one to be accepted by the IN crowd. They accept slavery in a sense that they give up their free will, self respect and autonomy for the sake of following someone who promises the chance at something better by being their servant. Look ladies its okay to be fat, and you don't have to be pretty, you need to get your loving, well just not from me, but there are friends and guys out there for you. Please don't choose to be a M.U.F.F., its like drugs just say no.
You ladies may be saying to yourself, Grey Fox I am not the M.U.F.F. This could be true, but take a look at your friends if you cannot find the ugly fat one, I'd hit the home shopping channel up for a stairmaster and a makeover kit. There are better things than being a M.U.F.F. like a goth chick or a practice girl for some guy who needs to build confidence. But if you are a M.U.F.F. and don't care, then know society shuns you, men hate you, and your hot friends don't like you. Go have another twinkie.....
-Grey Fox
Kucinich Is In.........
Well folks, Kucinich is throwing his hat into the ring for the 08 race for the white house. I was a Kucinich fan back in 04, I voted for him in the primary even though Kerry had the nod locked by then. I thought Kucinich brought a great perspective that stood in stark contrast to the corporate dems. Unfortunately many folk cannot get past the idea that he doesn't "look presidential". What a world we live in. I guess that means we should be looking at Obama. He has that great smile and says those platitudes that make us feel oh so good. Oh ........., and he is black, tall, good lookin, speaks well, and doesn't scare white folks! I suspect TBC has more to say on Obama. Thats if he isn't too angry to type. But for now, I'm interested in what Kucinich will do.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself....
To Quote Cyprus Hill:
"Get Ready Motherfuckas'."
We will be talking more later....
-Grey Fox
"Get Ready Motherfuckas'."
We will be talking more later....
-Grey Fox
Welcome, Grey Fox!
I'd like to take a moment to welcome Grey Fox to our assembled cast. Grey Fox is an old and dear friend of mine who will bring us insights on women, relationships, and how screwed up our culture is with regards to both.
Have at it, bud!
-TBC
Have at it, bud!
-TBC
Monday, December 11, 2006
The Agnostic Insomniac has signed in!
I am pleased to join TBC in what will be a blog dedicated to scathing critiques of humanity. My interests include music, fitness, tech, and politics. I grew up going to church, however, experiences with family, friends, and society, led me astray. Over time I found the message of the church to be shallow and unfullfilling. It is difficult, because being a black atheist goes contrary to the stereotypical view of the jesus loving church going black folk. Of course, those black folk who dare cast aspersions on the atheists who need 'jebus' should ponder why they worship a slavery imposed white jesus.
In terms of politics, I was a loyal and unquestioning democrat. However, my naivete and partisan blinders began to break down after the 2000 pres. election. Lack of democratic backbone in the face of the republican warmongers made me lose hope in party leaders. And winning the 2006 elections by default does not impress me. The majority of the establishment, including several CBC members, are bought political hacks willing to sell their constituent's interests down the toilet for a quick campaign contribution and electoral power. The two major parties wallow like pigs eating from the same trough. I remain liberal in my viewpoints however I now cringe at the thought of calling myself a democrat. For now, I consider myself politically unaffiliated.
Expect greatness to follow in coming days ..........
In terms of politics, I was a loyal and unquestioning democrat. However, my naivete and partisan blinders began to break down after the 2000 pres. election. Lack of democratic backbone in the face of the republican warmongers made me lose hope in party leaders. And winning the 2006 elections by default does not impress me. The majority of the establishment, including several CBC members, are bought political hacks willing to sell their constituent's interests down the toilet for a quick campaign contribution and electoral power. The two major parties wallow like pigs eating from the same trough. I remain liberal in my viewpoints however I now cringe at the thought of calling myself a democrat. For now, I consider myself politically unaffiliated.
Expect greatness to follow in coming days ..........
So yeah, hi....
If you somehow managed to make it through all the text from my last post, I thought I'd say "howdy," "ni hao" and "Bonjour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!"
Full web handle is The Baltimore Cynic, but call me TBC for short. I'm a 24 year old worker, and you get no points if you can guess where I'm from. My interests include reading, working out extensively (generally 4-7 days a week if lucky), music, and being out and about when possible.
SBA and I grew up together, but life sends people to different places it seems. However, we talk often, and at some point one of us concluded that our ideas were pretty damn a) offensive, b) hilarious, and c) provocative. It turns out those three things are needed to post a good blog, so here we are.
We both have a decent amount in common; we're both black, both atheists, and both well educated (That is, both of us attend/have attended graduate school). Our writing tends to take on different things as well. SBA's taken a lot more time to analyze the political environment along with relationships and make astute observations, while I tend to reserve my scorn for religion and popular culture. However, we have many observations on many things, and you will be able to partake of that.
Also: Unlike certain corpulent black bloggers who more resemble gestapo with girth than respectable writers, we will not delete or edit your posts. Ever. If you have a good idea, we will honor it by letting it stay up and offer feedback. Alternatively, if you make a stupid posting, we will leave it for everyone to laugh at.
That's all for now. Stay tuned to the blog, there's a lot to be said over the next few days and beyond.
-TBC
Full web handle is The Baltimore Cynic, but call me TBC for short. I'm a 24 year old worker, and you get no points if you can guess where I'm from. My interests include reading, working out extensively (generally 4-7 days a week if lucky), music, and being out and about when possible.
SBA and I grew up together, but life sends people to different places it seems. However, we talk often, and at some point one of us concluded that our ideas were pretty damn a) offensive, b) hilarious, and c) provocative. It turns out those three things are needed to post a good blog, so here we are.
We both have a decent amount in common; we're both black, both atheists, and both well educated (That is, both of us attend/have attended graduate school). Our writing tends to take on different things as well. SBA's taken a lot more time to analyze the political environment along with relationships and make astute observations, while I tend to reserve my scorn for religion and popular culture. However, we have many observations on many things, and you will be able to partake of that.
Also: Unlike certain corpulent black bloggers who more resemble gestapo with girth than respectable writers, we will not delete or edit your posts. Ever. If you have a good idea, we will honor it by letting it stay up and offer feedback. Alternatively, if you make a stupid posting, we will leave it for everyone to laugh at.
That's all for now. Stay tuned to the blog, there's a lot to be said over the next few days and beyond.
-TBC
Confessions of an Infomercial Junkie; Consumerism Run Amok, part 1.
My name's Chad Smith. I'm an everyday person, with one small difference from most people: I am committed to optimal efficiency. Fortunately, there is a service available to insure I get it: the infomercial. The result of this is a life of simplicity thanks to a few small substitutions here and there. I thought i'd give a breakdown of one of my days for you.
6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.
7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.
8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.
"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"
I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.
9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...
"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."
That was close.
11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.
"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.
3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.
5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.
"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.
A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.
6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.
6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.
"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"Why?"
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"
I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.
"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."
Simmer, Chad...
"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"
We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.
"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."
Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.
"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."
Strike three.
"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.
8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.
"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"
In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.
10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.
"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"
...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.
"Hello, I'd like to buy..."
6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.
7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.
8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.
"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"
I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.
9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...
"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."
That was close.
11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.
"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.
3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.
5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.
"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.
A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.
6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.
6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.
"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"Why?"
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"
I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.
"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."
Simmer, Chad...
"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"
We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.
"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."
Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.
"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."
Strike three.
"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.
8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.
"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"
In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.
10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.
"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"
...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.
"Hello, I'd like to buy..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
