Good evening gentle folk,
Its Saturday night and I'm staying in after a week of reflecting and looking for a new place to move to in a month and a half. Between this and some other stuff I've been thinking about recently I've decided to touch on a few things on my mind right now:
Shuck and Jive TV 2007
BET, or Black Entertainment Television was the brainchild of Robert Johnson, an Alumni of the University of Illinois and Princeton University. A man whose own story is undoubtedly inspirational for all ethnicities, Johnson sought to give a voice to the African-American community. Twenty-nine years later, as I watch see the line up for Saturday, it is clear that the Viacom Owned voice of Black America is one that perhaps should shut up for good:
12:30: 106 & Park
2:30: Top 25 Countdown
5:00: Rap City Top 10
6:00: 106 & Park
7:30-9: The Wayans Brothers
9-11: Girlfriends
11-Who cares: Boss'n Up*
*Boss'n Up is a film starring Snoop Dogg (That's a cue to change the channel right there, by the way), which depicts the life of a Pimp in Training. For those who have the opportunity to see this for free or even get paid for it... pass.
I would imagine that Mr. Johnson would be ashamed of what his ambition has become, but I suppose that he can't hear the screams of agony over his piles of money.
Speaking of Stupidity on Television...
I would be remiss if I didn't show something which The Agnostic Insomniac sent to me earlier, check it out: Shuck and Jive 2007
In this clip, a number of Blacks in a Baltimore Barbershop (way to think beyond stereotypes, ABC - perhaps you could've given them picks and Colt 45s as well?) discuss the 2008 Presidential Election. In true form, the group only discusses Democrats, specifically Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The topic didn't rile me up so much as the arguments presented by some of the distinguished panelists. One such person cites the experience Hillary Clinton obtained as first lady as a reason to vote for her (since First Lady is apparently a very prestigious title), while another cited America's inability to elect a Black President** as a reason to bank on Hillary. The video clip is only worse, as it features someone who mentions that the next candidate must have "faith in god".
If this is at all indicative of the knowledge base of the common voter, it challenges the integrity of democracy to say the least.
Stupid people elect stupid politicians
If you ask me, this is the story of Baltimore Politics now, ever since the Boy Blunder, current Governor (and 2012 Presidential Candidate) Martin "Promise Keeper" O'Malley headed to Annapolis to be replaced by Sheila "Skeletor" Dixon. The six months which have passed since this time have reflected a steady decline in the so-called Greatest City in America, which is best reflected in the rise in murders since 2006. In the six months we've begun to see some serious issues left behind by O'Malley, including a hard working but clearly broken Criminal Justice system, a faulty infrastructure within the City Government, and faulty support for Education.
In the time since Dixon's ascension to the position of Mayor, she has, to my chagrin, engaged in a "dodge and blame" defense technique. When issues come before her, she will generally attempt to do one of the following:
1) Dodge the concern by expressing faith in "staying the course" with her current plans (which essentially were O'Malley's plans), or
2)By expressing her outrage over the long standing issue (which she certainly could not have seen as a member of City politics since 1987)
Most disturbing about Dixon is her inability to accept information accepted in the country as evidence, which occurred for Dixon during a Howard County Fundraiser. In discussing a 2006 FBI report which ranked Baltimore only behind Detroit for violence in large cities, Dixon asserted that the report may not be factual. In an age where politics is more about accountability than it ever has been, Dixon's determination to avoid it at all costs may prove problematic as election day approaches.
Speaking of stupid politicians
As the city comes closer to the Democratic primary election (or for the heavily democratic baltimore, the general election), a number of candidates have stepped up for the opportunity to avoid actually fixing things while making $125,000 per year as Mayor of Baltimore City. These candidates include:
Keiffer Mitchell: City Councilman connected with the (in)famous Mitchell family of Baltimore City. Mitchell's expressed outrage with Dixon's idiocracy on multiple occasions. Strangely, he has no commentary on his complicity in these policies, having served as a councilman for more than 10 years. Hands down the number one contender for the title.
Andrey Bundley: Former Principal in the Baltimore City Public School System, Bundley gained much attention when he gained more than 30% of the Democratic Vote in the Mayoral Primary Vote in 2003. Unfortunately, given his controversial tenure as a high school principal, combined with the shoddy state of Baltimore Public Schools, few expect his candidacy to go far.
Jill Carter: Current Delegate representing Balitmore City in the Maryland General Assembly, Carter has been a vocal opposition to the O'Malley Administration, in particular with regards to the criminal issue in the city. Carter also has called for radical shifts in policy including firing the best paid member of the City Government, Leonard Hamm (who is much more amusing to call Hammbone) and replacing him with Ed Norris, Commissioner turned State Police Superintendent turned inmate turned Radio Host (He's our answer to Teddy Roosevelt).
Frank Conaway, Sr. - Former State Delegate for Baltimore City and Current Clerk of the Court for Baltimore City. Conaway is known more for his fiery rhetoric (as evidenced in some of his letters to The Examiner) and flashy suits than his politics. However, with an inside perspective on the criminal justice problem, Conaway may offer a new perspective as the mayoral election comes closer.
A. Robert Kaufman - A perennial candidate and socialist to boot, Kauffman has thrown his hat in to the ring for yet another campaign after his hearty defeat in the 2006 Senate Election to replace Paul Sarbanes, which was ultimately won by Ben Cardin.
As the day gets closer, I'll continue to keep you posted on the election trail, if I don't get nauseous first...
That's all for now, thanks for listening...
Showing posts with label Are you serious?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Are you serious?. Show all posts
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Hey, Asshole: Your PhD doesn't make you a Ph-Deity, you Ph-Douchebag.
Howdy everyone, its been a while! As some of you may or may not know, I work in University Services (which, I freely confess, is what keeps me busy 5-6 days a week). Some of you also know I've done graduate school already. It wasn't until very recently that I was nearly ashamed of this (and i'll tell you why in a minute).
In my capacity, I spend a lot of time assisting students, many of whom are graduate students who are earning their Doctorates. In the process of this, I've coined a few phrases that you may wish to remember for future reference:
Ph-Duh: The enlightened masses of students who, despite their academic achievements, are unable to comprehend basic tasks, such as reading a complete paragraph.
Ph-Dick: A Doctoral student unashamed of rubbing their academic status in your face by doing things such as mentioning "Doctoral student" in their email signatures
Ph-Douchebag: The upper echelon of irritating graduate students who will, in an incredible display of idiocy and absurdity, exhibit the traits of the Ph-Duh and Ph-Dick simultaneously. Although I don't believe in life after death, if there is a personalized hell, it is undoubtedly full of these people.
Mind you - not all of my work is with these classes of students - in fact, many of them are very amicable, and are glad to receive insights from the likes of me (some are very kind when I can fully assist them). However, I guess its true when someone once said that you don't remember the good ones as often as the bad ones. That being said, the worst conversation I've ever had with one of them took place today, and I feel the need to talk a little bit about it.
I can't go into many details about it for many reasons, but here are a few highlights:
1) The conversation started with the student complaining about my response time. We're in a high volume period in my division right now, so that's the nature of the business. From there, I knew it would be a bad conversation but tried to endure.
2) The student requested a status update regarding a standard procedure my office does. When I advised her of a common mistake she made and what the implications were the student exploded. We've been trained for this and warned, but nothing is quite like the real thing (especially when you're an open misanthrope such as myself)
3) When I tried to explain the situation to the student, she would not allow me to speak. On more than one occasion, the conversation consisted of:
"Ma'am, would you please allow me to --"
"GO AHEAD, SPEAK!"
"I'd like to try, ma'am, but you won't allow me to --"
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY!?!?"
"Well, ma'am --"
"GO ON, TALK!"
...Apparently, when you become a Doctoral student, you are exempt from basic conversation with people.
4) The student attempted to swing brass by making statements alluding to their great influence, speaking to the fact that 1)they had an attorney, and that 2) my office was being illegal due to her mistake. As someone well familiar with the Law, I was not particularly impressed with what she had.
5) The 'best' part: After explaining to the student what some students have done procedure wise, explaining to the student the entire process for her request, and enduring what even the nicest people would describe as verbal abuse, the student expressed her appreciation to me by saying that she would be in contact with my boss to tell her about what she described as "our little incident."
I'm not the thickest skinned person in the world, and I'll be the first person in the world to admit that. Still, there is a certain threshold which I have for verbal abuse. Once broken, I can become very outraged. However, on this day I felt myself reaching that limit, to the point that I considered walking away from my office and not returning. Such a thing has happened; in fact, a similar conversation occurred yesterday with a male I'd been attempting to assist over the past month. While their frustration is justified (and I can certainly relate having had to go through procedures as a former graduate student in the past), I could not, in good conscience justify treating people in the way I (and countless other people like me) are habitually treated by some of the so called enlightened students.
I don't know whether or not I'll hear from either of these people again - and I'm fairly certain I'll endure a bad conversation with one of them at least once more, as it is the unfortunate nature of my job. To this point, I humbly submit the following thoughts if you're a student so fortunate to earn college education:
1) Wake up. Your accomplishments may warrant you to more respect as having more academic accomplishments than many, but that's it. It doesn't make you smarter than anyone (Teddy Roosevelt was incredibly intelligent and he was a Law School Dropout), doesn't entitle you to any respect as a hard worker (Andrew Carnegie was industrious and didn't come close to finishing college), and doesn't entitle you to treat anyone as if they are below you.
2) Don't get cocky because of your degree either. For every person fortunate enough to have an experience, there are plenty who were certainly smart enough to be there, but didn't have the opportunity. In that sense, you've more benefited from chance than your intellect.
3) Be careful of who you jerk around, because you never know who you you're doing that to. The world is small, and you never know how your rude treatment of one person could impact your interactions with someone else. Also, Karma's a bitch.
For now, I'm going to sit down and reflect on my own sins as a supposed enlightened student... I would feel bad for making some people dumb, but I do that to everyone despite their education, so...
In my capacity, I spend a lot of time assisting students, many of whom are graduate students who are earning their Doctorates. In the process of this, I've coined a few phrases that you may wish to remember for future reference:
Ph-Duh: The enlightened masses of students who, despite their academic achievements, are unable to comprehend basic tasks, such as reading a complete paragraph.
Ph-Dick: A Doctoral student unashamed of rubbing their academic status in your face by doing things such as mentioning "Doctoral student" in their email signatures
Ph-Douchebag: The upper echelon of irritating graduate students who will, in an incredible display of idiocy and absurdity, exhibit the traits of the Ph-Duh and Ph-Dick simultaneously. Although I don't believe in life after death, if there is a personalized hell, it is undoubtedly full of these people.
Mind you - not all of my work is with these classes of students - in fact, many of them are very amicable, and are glad to receive insights from the likes of me (some are very kind when I can fully assist them). However, I guess its true when someone once said that you don't remember the good ones as often as the bad ones. That being said, the worst conversation I've ever had with one of them took place today, and I feel the need to talk a little bit about it.
I can't go into many details about it for many reasons, but here are a few highlights:
1) The conversation started with the student complaining about my response time. We're in a high volume period in my division right now, so that's the nature of the business. From there, I knew it would be a bad conversation but tried to endure.
2) The student requested a status update regarding a standard procedure my office does. When I advised her of a common mistake she made and what the implications were the student exploded. We've been trained for this and warned, but nothing is quite like the real thing (especially when you're an open misanthrope such as myself)
3) When I tried to explain the situation to the student, she would not allow me to speak. On more than one occasion, the conversation consisted of:
"Ma'am, would you please allow me to --"
"GO AHEAD, SPEAK!"
"I'd like to try, ma'am, but you won't allow me to --"
"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY!?!?"
"Well, ma'am --"
"GO ON, TALK!"
...Apparently, when you become a Doctoral student, you are exempt from basic conversation with people.
4) The student attempted to swing brass by making statements alluding to their great influence, speaking to the fact that 1)they had an attorney, and that 2) my office was being illegal due to her mistake. As someone well familiar with the Law, I was not particularly impressed with what she had.
5) The 'best' part: After explaining to the student what some students have done procedure wise, explaining to the student the entire process for her request, and enduring what even the nicest people would describe as verbal abuse, the student expressed her appreciation to me by saying that she would be in contact with my boss to tell her about what she described as "our little incident."
I'm not the thickest skinned person in the world, and I'll be the first person in the world to admit that. Still, there is a certain threshold which I have for verbal abuse. Once broken, I can become very outraged. However, on this day I felt myself reaching that limit, to the point that I considered walking away from my office and not returning. Such a thing has happened; in fact, a similar conversation occurred yesterday with a male I'd been attempting to assist over the past month. While their frustration is justified (and I can certainly relate having had to go through procedures as a former graduate student in the past), I could not, in good conscience justify treating people in the way I (and countless other people like me) are habitually treated by some of the so called enlightened students.
I don't know whether or not I'll hear from either of these people again - and I'm fairly certain I'll endure a bad conversation with one of them at least once more, as it is the unfortunate nature of my job. To this point, I humbly submit the following thoughts if you're a student so fortunate to earn college education:
1) Wake up. Your accomplishments may warrant you to more respect as having more academic accomplishments than many, but that's it. It doesn't make you smarter than anyone (Teddy Roosevelt was incredibly intelligent and he was a Law School Dropout), doesn't entitle you to any respect as a hard worker (Andrew Carnegie was industrious and didn't come close to finishing college), and doesn't entitle you to treat anyone as if they are below you.
2) Don't get cocky because of your degree either. For every person fortunate enough to have an experience, there are plenty who were certainly smart enough to be there, but didn't have the opportunity. In that sense, you've more benefited from chance than your intellect.
3) Be careful of who you jerk around, because you never know who you you're doing that to. The world is small, and you never know how your rude treatment of one person could impact your interactions with someone else. Also, Karma's a bitch.
For now, I'm going to sit down and reflect on my own sins as a supposed enlightened student... I would feel bad for making some people dumb, but I do that to everyone despite their education, so...
Monday, December 11, 2006
Confessions of an Infomercial Junkie; Consumerism Run Amok, part 1.
My name's Chad Smith. I'm an everyday person, with one small difference from most people: I am committed to optimal efficiency. Fortunately, there is a service available to insure I get it: the infomercial. The result of this is a life of simplicity thanks to a few small substitutions here and there. I thought i'd give a breakdown of one of my days for you.
6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.
7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.
8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.
"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"
I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.
9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...
"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."
That was close.
11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.
"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.
3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.
5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.
"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.
A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.
6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.
6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.
"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"Why?"
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"
I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.
"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."
Simmer, Chad...
"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"
We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.
"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."
Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.
"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."
Strike three.
"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.
8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.
"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"
In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.
10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.
"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"
...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.
"Hello, I'd like to buy..."
6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.
7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.
8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.
"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"
I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.
9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...
"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."
That was close.
11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.
"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.
3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.
5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.
"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.
A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.
6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.
6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.
"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"Why?"
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"
I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.
"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."
Simmer, Chad...
"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"
We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.
"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."
Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.
"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."
Strike three.
"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.
8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.
"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"
In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.
10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.
"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"
...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.
"Hello, I'd like to buy..."
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