Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Laughing All The Way To The Open Bar....

Warning if you are a woman or Hugo Boy you will be offended.

So I recently went to the wedding of a friend, who by all accounts including mine has married a nice girl. It will probably work out because they were damn sure to lay out just what each of them wanted to do and his prenup is iron clad. My friend is an optimist, but he knows the odds too. Some relatives of mine were also there because he knew them as well having worked with some of them. After his wedding ceremony was over here is where the fun begins...Having come from a client meeting and knowing that I was going to a wedding I was looking my absolute finest. No sooner than the ceremony was over friends and relatives started looking at me and saying that "I was too cute not to have a girlfriend," and of course when I was going to get married. One of the brides friends who has been dying to get married since the age of 12 and will the be last one of her friends to get married asked if I wouldn't mind giving her a ride to the after party the converstation on the ride over runs like this:

Her: So what are you doing now?
Me: I work as an investment adviser in the city.
Her: So thats how you afford nice things?
Me: Yes, that is how I afford nice things for myself.
Her: So what do you do on the weekends for fun?
Me: I go out to clubs or bars for dinner and drinks, maybe catch a comedy act if someone good is in town.
Her: Wow, you and your girlfriend must have a great time, its too bad she couldn't make it today.
Me: I don't date.
Her: Your single!
Me: I don't date.
Her: Your not gay are you?
Me: No, I just don't date.
Her: Well how the hell are we suppossed to go out?
Me: We are not.

Now there is nothing physically wrong with this girl, she isnt fat, ugly or the elephant man's daughter. But she does have that I need a man vibe. As for me I simply don't date for the simple reason is that I am happy and intend to stay that way. Actually everytime I have dated a woman i did it when I was actually in a good place in life but after all was said and done I actually was worse of than when I started. So it went like rolling a boulder up a hill just to have it roll back down at you. Thanks but I only intend to keep moving up in the world not down.So as we pull up to the reception she streaks out of the passanger seat crying, because apparently I don't love her or she was probably thinking of the happy bride and groom dancing in the ballroom and how that she was not going be that happy bride....EVER. So a few of the brides maids rush after her as she hurls herself into the ever scared women's bathroom, which for some reason mystically add volume and echo to a woman's tearfull sobbing transforming her blubbering swan song of jilted maiden tears into the roaring banshee howl of an old spinster fucking a broken fog horn. I left her be and helped myself to a Beam and Coke.The ballroom where the dance floor and dinner tables were was a sight to behold. Not that the place was fabulous but they surreal nature of the seating. First off you had two tables one table were divorced husbands all sitting together the next table was all their divorced wives sitting together. Of course it even more comical when everyone started dancing they ended up dancing together because they were told old to find someone young, they ruined each other financially not to mentioned fucked up their lives, but they would rather dance with each other than sit at a table with nobody to call their own especially at a wedding party. The rest of the tables were set up with family and friends. Now the friends were interesting because their tables were set up in such a way that the those who were probably next to get married were all sitting together. I couldn't help but to think how long it would be before they were taking the places of those sitting at the currently divorced tables.Now the night moves along fine. I'm on good behavior because its a friend's wedding and I'm not going to fuck up his day, plus I'm in a good mood because I have a group of 7 people asking me about the market and what stocks are hot and that does nurish my ego. I'm making my way to the bar to freshen my drink when the DJ stops the music to make an announcement.

DJ: If I could have everyone's attention please. XXXXX wishes to dedicate this song and dance to a man she cares about. She wants to melt your cold heart with her warmth, Mr. GreyFox could you please come to the dance floor...

I can now hear some awe's coming up from the guests and there in the middle of the dance floor is the girl who I had given a ride to, who had blindly ran into the women's room crying when we arrived at the party, and now this....what was I to do.Well it is tradition that the Bride and Groom slip away early from the party to consumate their relationship for the "first" time. So taking a page from that game book I slipped out the door near the bar in the reception hall, making my way to the car.If you have never left a woman expecting you on the dance floor in front of a large crowd of people like that you probably don't know what I'm going to talk about next, but if you have.... You feel like you just scored one for the good guys, or bad guys deepending who's side you are rooting for, but more importantly it feels like you shrugged off this dirty yoke, like you were expected to be that guy who finds love at someone elses wedding that you to have the love bug now and everyone is a couple now. You feel like you escaped this mickey-mouse-club-let's-drink-the-cool-aid cult. So I drove to the one most secluded, laid back bar I knew laughing all the way.

-Grey Fox

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Predictions For The New Year.....

They say that the New Year is meant to be a symbol of hope. That you can start fresh, unburdened by last years mistakes. You are free to start over again. While that is true on a personal level, geopolitically and economically speaking the New Year does not forgive mistakes from the past. People also think its fun to predict what next year will hold and to see if they are right. So without further delay:

I hope most of them are not going to come true
  • George W. Bush will announce that he is sending more troops to Iraq.
  • The Democrats will not be able to field a viable presidential candidate.
  • Lindsay Lohan will fall off the AA bandwagon into a bottomless pit of scotch.
  • Rudy Giuliani will get the Republicans nod for the presidential nomination.
  • You will probably have at least one regrettable hook-up.
  • The military bases in Germany being closed are merely going to be moved to Iraq so instead of having troops on deployment, they will merely be on a tour. Bush can claim he brought the troops on deployment home and call it a political victory, because the American public is too stupid to realize nothing changed. He may or may not land on an aircraft carrier to announce the mission has been accomplished a second time.
  • Any girl that turned 17 this year will no longer be jail bait by the end of the next coming year.
  • Any economic momentum gained by all the holiday shopping will be squandered when the president and or congress do something stupid.
  • All freshman girls in college will gain at least 15 pounds.
  • All freshman girls that went to Randolph Macon College will gain at least 30 pounds and 3 kinds of STDs.
  • American Idol will pick another winner who will be talented, hardworking and likable. To bad the American public won't take the same time they spend on making their choice for American Idol on picking the right candidate for office.
  • Taco Bell stock will take a dive for some reason.
  • You will still eat at Taco Bell.
  • You will get diarrhea at least once from eating at Taco Bell.
  • Religious groups like the Westboro Baptists will continue preach that everyone is a gay sinner who God hates and will be punished. They will still claim that God is a loving, forgiving and compassionate being. Once again the Westboro Baptists will miss the whole loving, forgiving, and compassionate thing God is all about.
  • Stupid Southern and Midwestern hicks will wish that George W. Bush still had another 4 years in office. Snobby elitist liberals will wish those hicks would finally just cousin fuck each other till their offspring were sterile.
  • Major wars will erupt in Africa due to poverty, famine and corrupt governments. Watch for Somalia to make it back into the news again.
  • George Clooney will continue to call for an end to violence in Darfur through government intervention, but balk when he finds out that would actually require a military response.
  • George W. Bush will not give a shit about Darfur because the people there are black, which keeps suit with his response to Louisiana.
  • Asian Bird Flu will finally get the response needed when it kills beloved celebrity Big Bird.
  • Someone will tell a child that Santa is not real and that thanks to Hanukkah Jewish kids are guaranteed 7 presents at least, that child will cry.
  • Your parents, even if over 50 are guaranteed to do it at least one time this year.
  • Either congress will vote the draft back in, or president George W. Bush will use an executive order to bring back the draft.
  • You will pay more in taxes especially if you are in the middle class.
  • Social Security will start to collapse.
  • Iraq, unless violently suppressed will continue be complete chaos and casualties will mount.
  • North Korea will launch a missile at Japan, Japan will launch Godzilla at North Korea if it hasn't been destroyed by a North Korean missile.
  • You will cop a feel on a hot chick while very drunk.
  • Tucker Max may or may not be a liar but he will write another funny best seller and I will read it.
  • The international sector of the stock market will do well because the American market will tank.
  • More industrial labor jobs will be sent to foreign countries. More people will not have a job.
  • The president, the senate, and congress will futher lose touch with the needs of the American public. But they will still want to touch Jessica Alba.
  • AIDs will continue to go out of control in Africa because Christian charities will deny supplies, medcines and funds because the idea of teaching safe sex is a greater sin than idly sitting by and allowing millions to die apparently.
  • The Islamic world will continue to push the West around and get us give up more of our freedoms to appease them.
  • Osama Bin Laden will continue to receive support from Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.
  • The United States will still be dependent upon Middle East oil.
  • Energy companies will squash at least one promising alternative energy source that would free the United States from Middle East oil.
  • Tensions between China and India will become strained.
  • Politically Correctness will become even more absurd.
  • The demands from women on men will go beyond absurd.
  • Maddox will be totally bummed that he didn't think up this list first.
  • You will tell 50 friends about this blog damn you!
  • You will meet at least two women who have their lives run by Oparh, MTV and The View.
  • For some reason you will not date those two women.
  • The murder rate in Baltimore will continue to skyrocket, but you'll never hear about it because Martin O'Malley and the Baltimore City Police will not report all the cases they actually run into.
  • Martin O'Malley will suck as governor of Maryland, and his ugly mistress will continue to suck him off. Things in Maryland will suck as well.
  • Firefighters and Police officers will continue to be underfunded and overworked, you will at least donate 10 bucks to a credible charity that helps them out.
  • You will thank a U.S. serviceman or woman for what they do, because you damn well would not want to have to do it yourself unless you are in the service. Sending a care package to a serviceman or woman abroad is a good way of saying thanks.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt's nose will continue to get bigger as she continues to dress even more hideously than before.
  • Despite the benefits of stem cell research, the religious right will continue to have knee jerk reactions against it.
  • The seperation between church and state in the United States will continue you dissolve.
  • Comedian Bill Maher will still have his T.V. show on HBO despite not being funny.
  • Those two women who let Oparh, MTV and The View run their lives will commit suicide when they find out their lives are meaningless, fake and cost them decent attractive men. Four more women however will rise up and take their place. Oparh, MTV and The View will not care or notice.
  • The public school system in American and especially in Baltimore will continue to decline as money is sucked away from the schools for stupid pork barrel projects and unfunded mandates.
  • Shelia Dixon will continue to steal money from the people of Baltimore until she is no longer mayor.
  • There will be at least one major fire in the Western United States.
  • There will be at least two school shootings, it may or may not be the Amish taking their revenge.
  • Tom Cruise will continue to lie awake at night fighting for sleep as he is tormented by the fact he continues to deny his homosexuality and that Mission Impossible 3 sucked.
  • Mission Impossible 4 will not star Tom Cruise. He will tell Katie Holmes to cut her hair short and fuck her from behind to fell better about himself.
  • No one will ask why Madonna and Angelina Jolie didn't just adopt some disadvantaged child from their own country.
  • Men will continue to face a gender bias against them in Divorce and Custody proceedings.
  • The Divorce rate will continue you to climb.
  • You will think about the last two predictions when you decide to propose this year.
  • The startegy in Iraq will not work and Georege W. Bush will be to pigheaded to admit it.
  • Grey Fox will write another list of predictions next year.

-Grey Fox

Monday, December 18, 2006

They Teach You Safe Sex, But They Don't Teach You...

"And the sixth day God made man, and on the seventh day he rested, and on the day after that God made woman. From that day forward God and man have not since rested."
-The quote on the conduct referral written by the Nun for "blasphemy" by Grey Fox in sixth grade religious studies class that for some reason was undertaking the sexual education component.

Yeah my sex ed experience, nuns, those fat no sex having penguins teaching me after sex. Actually is was more about abstaining till marriage, or doing the priest or nun thing. You have to love that recruitment pitch they slip in there. The pinnacle of that farce was that one of the nun's passed out pledge cards for us to sign and keep. This pledge card was a contract with God that we would abstain from sex until we were married, and we were to read it when we felt the "urge." I had my reasons for not signing the card first, if I truly believe in being abstinent I don't need a card for something my religion would require. Second having firmly come to terms with being human I knew that at some point I was bound to fuck up, that thing I want to do is top off pissing off my creator by breaking the no nookie rule by violating a contractual agreement. Of course my classmates jumped on the bandwagon and a couple found out that I didn't sign. They started to pitch the no nookie clause to me, but I wasn't down with the Cool Aid they were passing out. Of course like sixth graders the next big "event" would make them forget all about this. Just my luck, or the nature of the beast a few weeks later one of the girls let it spill that one of the guys she had been "dating" in my class could only get a 2 inch boner when she gave him a blow job. Bless that little whore, everyone dropped the pious routine and like jackals over a fresh kill they tore away at all the juicy details. Overnight a popular kid in my class went from A-list to Z-list, his reputation was destroyed and he would not get a date again till he was in high school in a different county....

See this is the shit they don't teach you in sex ed class. Sure they talk about safe sex, but they never talk about safe dating. The teaching will never tell the kids to watch this video or look at this diagram on how to keep a bitch's mouth shut after you do the deed. There are no seven warning signs pamphlets you are dating a gold digger or an attention whore, like there are with STDs. When it comes to these life lessons it gets left up to trial and error, so many people freak out and blush at the thought of telling their child about the act of sex, they forget about what has to happen in order to even make it up to that point. Some of you never got a teacher willing to take the time to give you a basic run through on this stuff.


First and foremost here are the types of women you should avoid:
  1. "They Guys kinda Guy Girl:" This girl can pal around with any of the boys, goes drinking, talks about her sexual "conquests," she'll even suggest going to the strip club. While this sounds cool this girl is not. First she definitely has underlying daddy issues hence why she dives right into the guy stuff, at the worst she has gender issues that are slowly eating away at her psyche. Next no wants to hear some girl having so many sexual partners her vagina is now a clown car and who knows who's climbing out of that stretched out cock trap. For anyone woman not understanding what I am getting at if you are reading this part, here is how it works: Guys like to know that you like sex, not having sex with a ton of other guys, that we don't like.
  2. The Prude and "The Prude:" The first is obvious, most of these girls are conservative on everything including sex. They are not fun, they are sour little creatures who frown on cutting loose. They are also the ones to make it harder on the rest of the women out there to want to express themselves sexually because these are the ones that start all those anti-male/anti-sex campaigns. The other is a fake prude, her fake piety and propriety makes her just a bad as the real thing, but deep down she is more jaded than a stripper. Trust me on this. They will seem to pure and to innocent, something won't feel right.
  3. The Attention Whore and Gold Digger: Yeah brother these have a special place in Hell in my book. They are a pain in the ass who drain men of their money, time, and sanity because it feels so good for them to be the star of the show. They probably put out when they were 15 at the latest, they have been relying on their body to get them through life. Sure looks can get you pretty far but these monsters get their just reward when age and better looking younger women take them out of the game. These women are easily I.D.ed by the fact that they will have a bunch of guys in their lives, they hang out with someone different on the weekneds, and they never seem to pick one guy definately as the guy to be in a long term relationship with. They also have a habit of only wanting to do things that cost money and let them feel they are living the life.

But just like people you cannot just lump everyone into a group and expect them to fit neatly into a category, but there are definate warning signs that you should never be afraid to say to yourself that you may need to get out before it ends up costing you:

  • She starts fights constantly, not even over couples issues.
  • She tries to plan out what you do with your time.
  • She sees your friends as a threat.
  • She suddenly loses intrest in doing something if its "low budget."
  • She takes a non emergency phone call during a date and launches into a conversation.
  • You notice that there is another guy is "competing" for her, but she seems to keep things moving in a direction that neither signals you or him as her man.
  • She tells you about all her personal problems, she talks about all the gossipy junk in her life. Congratulations you are her emotional tampon.
  • She get jealous at the smallest thing.
  • She makes a habit of talking down to you or she thinks she is the alpha in the relationship.
  • She keeps secrets from you.
  • She can't keep your secrets or the intimate details of your relationship quiet.
  • She has had 4 sexual partners that were random and definately questionable hook-ups.
  • She starts changing what you do and how you behave.
  • She pushes the relationship to move quickly, or she has an agenda or fixed timetable on how things should go.
  • She thinks she can decieve you.
  • If she causes you to doubt her....

The big thing about safe dating is that you are careful and diligent throughout the entire process. Even more so you need to be able and willing to end it with a girl or shutdown the relationship building process with her, meaning no more dating or contact. Because if a girl is that bad, she will sting you somewhere along the line even if you are just friends. Remember just because we were born at night does not mean we were born last night so don't let them think they can put one over on you. Do your homework and your good to go.


-Grey Fox