Monday, December 11, 2006

Confessions of an Infomercial Junkie; Consumerism Run Amok, part 1.

My name's Chad Smith. I'm an everyday person, with one small difference from most people: I am committed to optimal efficiency. Fortunately, there is a service available to insure I get it: the infomercial. The result of this is a life of simplicity thanks to a few small substitutions here and there. I thought i'd give a breakdown of one of my days for you.

6:30 am - wake up, using my HUMMER alarm clock. It was a long night, but I believe that today will be a most efficient day. I'm awaiting the arrival of some new products.
6:45 am - Time to train. I spend fifteen minutes lifting using the Total Gym, follow that up with a Power Fitness Vibration Plane, then wrap up my session with ten minutes of Billy's Boot Camp. I haven't seen as much progress with the physical fitness as I'd like - by this point I was expecting rock hard abs, a nicely toned body, and lots of energy. Oh well.

7:30 am - Time to hit the bathroom. I use the Oxygenics showerhead to scrub down, following it up with a Nad’s Gel Kit for Men for my hair, and a secondary wipe down with Epil-Stop & Wipe Away to get rid of any dead skin I couldn't get rid of. Feeling very 'fresh,' 'youthful,' and 'renewed', I rush downstairs to enjoy the rapid speed breakfast which my equipment now permits me to do. I add an Orange to the Starfrit Potato Peeler Express and deskin it, adding the resulting orange to the Juiceman Juice Extractor (after using one of my Ronco Six Star 25-piece cutlery set knives to cut it into pretty bits). Simultaneously, I crack an egg and add it to some vegetables in the Magic Bullet Blender to make a frothy mixture. I add what remains to Chef Giornali's Omelet Pan, while tossing a few bits of bacon to my Bacon Wave bacon cooker. Within three minutes my omelet is done and so is my bacon and juice. Quickly consuming my food, I take a moment to give everything a wipe down then look at my clock. Oh crap - my Atomic Watch reads 8:30, I'm late... again.

8:30 am - I'm on the road once more. My cellular phone rings. I reach for my FoneFree device, which will insure my safety while driving and talking on the phone at the same time. Its ShipCo, who sends me all of my consumer goods. Apparently my Ab Sonic - the final piece of my fitness regimen puzzle - will not be in today. I am furious.

"What do you mean, the Ab Sonic won't be there?!?! It was assured to me by the kind people (on tv) that it would arrive within a week! Well, you have me very close to being unsatisfied, and you know what that means! Well, you are so lucky RonCo doesn't have a mailing business, or you'd be out of work!"

I cut off the phone and reach for my morning Apple and Strawberry smoothie which I created using my Power Mixer. Fortunately this always calms me down... the fact that it is making me so muscular and powerful is a good thing too.

9:15 am - I arrive into work... late. My boss has been warning me about being in late. I need a good excuse. There he is...

"Smith! What have I told you about being late?"
"Well sir, my Bible Challenge ran a bit longer than normal last night so I woke up a bit late."
"This is getting very old - if it happens once more, only christ will save you from me canning you."

That was close.

11:45 am - Nearly Lunch time. Thank goodness. I'm looking forward to trying out the spaghetti I made with the Perfect Pasta Pot, along with my Hamilton Beach BrewStation. I usually would never drink on the job, but I've got a Chasers just in case. Chrissy - my attractive co-worker i'll be seeing later tonight - walks over to me, undoubtedly allured by my Dream Lips and Bye Bye Blemish drying lotion.

"Hi Chad..."
Must remember the line that the video on seduction taught me...
"Oh... hello. You're looking perfect today - but then again you always do..." She grins. Excellent. "So, I'll be seeing you later on tonight for dinner and dancing right?"
"I'm looking forward to it... and if you treat me right, perhaps breakfast too." She winks and walks away.
If there is a God, he has blessed me with the infomercial.

3:00pm - I'm a little hungry, but I decide to let it pass, sipping on a cup of Slim Coffee instead. Satisfies my hunger issue along with my weight? Talk about two birds and one stone.

5:30pm - Time to run. As I pass by, I see Chris, a friend of mine, exiting as well.

"So Chad - we're doing Card night on Friday, right?"
"Bring your money, sucker."
Little does he know I'll be ready. With my Winning strategies for Blackjack and Poker, his money will be mine. I hop in my car and put on my DAYA Sunglasses. Protection against the sun and sharp looking - this is awesome.

A car in front of me suddenly stops. Thanks to my reflexes - undoubtedly thanks in part to the Slim Coffee from earlier along with my Smart Technique training - I immediately breaking. But, in the process my smoothie spills all over my car. Great. I reach into my glove compartment and remove the Liquid Leather, scrubbing down the compartment quickly. No time to relax though, dinner will be in less than 75 minutes.

6:00pm - I run in and prepare the meals as rapidly as possible. I promised Chrissy a good eastern meal, so Sushi it is. I start working with my Sushi international Sushi Maker to put together a quick meal. What's a good wine to match with this? I reach for my Wine Enthusiast Wine Master. Chardonnay it is. I add a fresh bottle to my Bottle Chiller. In 20 minutes it will be ready.

6:30pm - the gods of convenience have smiled on me again, as Chrissy walks in just as the meal finishes preparing. I greet her and sit her down with the Bottle of Chardonnay. For some reason, it isn't chilled. No matter. I offer to play some music for her. At least I know that my CD won't malfunction. I pull out a new CD, quickly opening it with the CD Stripper that came in yesterday. As the CD begins playing, I guide her to the table. We start with some Fruits that I put together with the V Slicer. As we eat, she begins to inquire about me.

"So, what do you do when you aren't at work?"
"Mostly stay at home, I'm pretty boring."
"I've got everything I need here, for the most part."
"Yeah, everything but the AB Sonic. But that'll be in soon enough."
"What is that?"
"It helps me sculpt my abs without doing any work - I'm looking forward to using it."
"Where did you hear about that?"
"Informercial - those things are great, they take all the thought out of everything."
"Don't they only sell junk there?"

I pause - she has just violated my cardinal rule: never insult the product.

"well, not all junk..."
"Well, mostly - have you ever bought other fitness equipment from there? Terrible mostly. The irony is, in the time people spend waiting for a delivery - a week - they could probably be well on their way to getting in shape by just leaving their homes."

Simmer, Chad...

"Well, I've used the total Gym, once or twice, and that Tae-Bo guy, and..."
*DING* I forgot about the Breadmaker's Hearth Breadmaker & Cook's oven, which was preparing some fresh bread for us. Saved by the bell.
"Hey, everything is ready! Why don't we eat?"

We have some bread, which unfortunately is not fully ready. The taste of dough is not the best one in the world. Time to bust out the sushi. Chrissy seems to like it though - she's at least smiling while eating it. I decide to pose some questions to her.

"So, what do you do besides work?"
"I go out with friends. We listen to music, we cook, we work out, everything. Its great."
"Really? What do you do for that?"
"We just start with an idea and run with it."
"Aren't you afraid you'll waste time, mess something up?"
"Not really - that's all part of the fun... it makes it that much better when I get it right."

Clearly, this woman is a fool. But, no matter for now. I invite her to the living room again. We sit down, and I offer to give her a massage. When she smiles and nods, I reach for the Chi Comfort Kneading Back Massager. When she sees it in my hands she steps back.

"What is that?"
"The Massager. You like?"
"Um, I thought you were doing it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because this is a date, and you offered to give me one."
"And here it is!"
"That's something from an infomercial, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't!"
"I bet the meal was from it too - it wasn't very good."

Strike three.

"Infomercials have brought me everything here! That bed, that remote controlled airplane, this chia garden... If you can't appreciate that, I think you should go." She gives a shocked look. Of course, I was shocked that she would shun my life of convenience.
"I will leave, but you know what? In the time you spent pursuing convenience and fun, you've lost lots of time, money, and probably fun. I hope you get over this and start living life." She exits.

8:00pm. I am LIVID. Everything should have been outstanding. Everything I used guaranteed satisfaction, and I"m anything but. I call up each company that I used tonight.

"Hello? Yes. Jean Whittman said that the wine chiller 'always provides a good cool bottle in the nick of time,' but it didn't tonight! Now what?"
"The Sushi Maker was supposed to 'bring eastern delights with western efficiency' - you lied to me! Scott Thomas lied to me too! What's his number?!?!"

In a fit I break the Sushi Maker. I guess I can't get the warranty on that.

10:00pm - A long night of convenience along with an inconvenient truth: If I had been willing to take more chances I could have probably had a great night with my date. But instead, I relied too much on faulty technology. What will I do about this? Perhaps I'll give up on this infomercial stuff. For all of the comforts it promises to give me, it ultimately costs me a lot more than the infomercials would ever let on. I sigh and turn on my television.

"Get a buff body, confidence and energy in only fifteen minutes a day!"

...Or perhaps Chrissy is insane.

"Hello, I'd like to buy..."

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