Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Mall: Noah's Ark For Retards

Ah the mall, the Mecca of daily commerce. You can find more things than you don't need at the mall. And while the mall may look like fun place where kids can run free and you can look a shit you can't afford through thick glass windows along with hundreds of your fellow consumers... The mall looks more like this to me....

At least he gets a fucking shovel I got a defunct Sam Goodey Rewards Card...

First off, going to the mall is a fucking excursion into a cold barren wasteland that would be a wet dream setting for a Jack London novel. You have to rally up at least one other stalwart soul who after releasing a death rattle of a sigh can supress the immediate flood of bile that rushes into their mouth like when you see Rosie O'Donnell eating/naked, or just eating naked. (Bleh) See they are going to save your sanity so you can make the return trip home their Apollo 13, because at some point you are going to lose your temper and you need someone to talk about what a fucking retard some person was i.e.

YOU: AAARGGH, what a fucking retard.

If you were alone you'd probably desend into the depths of a red rage capable of making people think you were a totally sweet ninja! (Okay so I bought the book REAL Ultimate Power) This crucial companion will probably be called upon their sacred duty to agree with you right around the time you try to park. Getting to a parking spot is unbelieve able people turn into Grand Theft Auto, and grow the biggest balls I have ever seen like they are packing an AK-47 up their butt. Like this one on Christmas Eve time I lucked out and about to nail the world's greatest parking spot, first available spot right after the Handicap spot, but this 50 year old asshole in an SUV leaps the curb. Rumbling over the sidewalk and down the other curb and into my spot I signaled for, he gloated over it to and his 4 wheel drive, thats what pushed me over the edge. Now had I had a buddy their I probably would have been calmer about it....

Me: Ah, Damn it.

So I parked out in the middle of nowhere and proceeded into the mall and went about my shopping, saving the Chesepeake Knife and Tool Shop for last....

Shopkeep: Happy Holidays sir what can I help you with. (Finally some respect)

Me: Well good shopkeep I have someone on my Christmas list who is a bit of a survivalist and into knives.

Shopkeep: Well we have many wonderful Swiss Army knives to look at.

Me: Yeah I have one myself, but my friend is into the deep woods stuff. You have any of those knives that can cut through tree stumps like those crazy Ginzu knives?

Shopkeep: Well I have these Smith and Weston SWAT knives here. But doing that would ruin the blade.

Me: Could it cut through say a rubber tree?

Shopkeep: Sure, but why would you want to do that?

Me: Well my friend is a survival nut, he'd apperciate that thought.

So away I went with purchases in hand. Back out into the parking lot I went, approaching Mark Trail's SUV the full malice of my intent surged through my being. However upon arrival there he was arguing with another motorist, apparently he was in a rush to leave, and she was in a rush to get a parking spot. Its a well know science theory that two different objects of matter cannot share the same space. Well neither can two SUVs, which explained the head on collision these Dukes of Hazard had. I was saved by fate that day, but who knows if you will be....

Hell and that story was just about the parking lot. Let me give you a rundown of what it was like for me when I worked at a department store in the mall for the summer....

Hecht's will be opening in 5 minutes....

Yeah that poor bastard at the gate was me, I opened the doors every morning to allow the throng of geezers that would do nothing but window shop until it was time for Matlock to come on to come in. People in a mall will stampede over each other like cattle just realizing why they have been sold the Ruth Chris Steakhouse. On top of that there were these women who would come into the store and buy tons of shit but come back the next day to return it. See they bought all that crap to run up their husbands credit card because they hate their husbands, of course he'd never have it so back to me they come. I even saw this woman break down one time as her husband called her on the cell phone to ask what she was doing, and she rattled off what she bought. 10 seconds later she burst into tears screaming no, and three female sales associates ran over to comfort her. It sounded like her child just died or something. Between the banshee wailing she managed to fumble out that her bastard husband said no to all her purchases. What the fuck? Its just meaningless shit!

Of course there are the kids. All I can tell is that there must be some fucked up wildlife program where children are released back into the mall to repopulate or something. This one time I was walking back from my lunch break when I saw this group of teeney bopping girls walk up to this boy looking at a video game display. The lead crack whore in training asked if he had a girlfriend. A little glimmer of hope entered his eye right before she said, "Just asking!" Followed by her and the other girls laughing at him and running off with the leader colliding into me and dropping her little purse or baggie full of make up. She looked up at me telling me to watch were I am fucking going. This girl is 12 tops and I am 20 something and 230 pounds, so I watched myself put my full 230 pounds in the form of my foot down on her little purse. You could hear all the make up in the bag being crushed and cracking, and the look on her face was like I just stepped on her soul. I walked off and said nothing. Do feel bad for her, all she had to do was find daddy and get another 50 bucks, or suck some cock for the same price, which is just practice for her anyways, and she'll be back to looking like a painted up whore in no time. You can find all this and more, at the mall.

-Grey Fox

Amanda Marcotte: IL Duce Of Douchebags

I just want to remind you that having sex with someone too drunk to resist is against the law and you can be found guilty of rape if you do it. (Refers to picture of a shirt that says "No means have aNOther Drink." Duh people know the law, choosing to follow it is their own responsibility.)

My Response:

Grey Fox Feb 20th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Its not rape if she blinks twice for yes. ~Jim Morrison

I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. ~Voltaire

The shirt is meant as a joke, some would say a bad joke to be sure, but a joke none the less. Society should stop blaming dumb crap like this for “making” or “motivating” people to preform a criminal act. It takes away the personal responsibilty of the person who committed the act, or at the very least mitigates the act. Call bad humor, bad humor and call a criminal act a criminal act. But you can’t make bad humor a criminal act. Besides I do recall a shirt that said “Throw Rocks At Boys Their Stupid!” with a picture of a boy running from a barrage of rocks. An act that condones stoning, a barbaric 3rd world practice which happens mostly to women and yet they can make light of it. On top of that I did some stat checking and there was no increase in the percentage of boys getting stoned or pelted with rocks. So its safe to say a T-Shirt tasteless or not is not going to start a bloody 100 year revolution. Its free speech and its here to stay, plus I’m not giving up my “SCUBA divers do it underwater shirt.”
-Grey Fox

(Someone Did point out later that the "Throw Rocks" shirt got pulled which is wrong because that is fucking with Free Speech, chief amongst our rights. Of course her comes Amanda's Response...)

Amanda Marcotte Feb 20th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Good thing I have thick skin or else it would hurt me that so many of my new Jesus-loving fans think that it was fucking hysterical when I was raped. Jesus is proud of you. Rape is funny. Jesus said so.
Anyone who thinks that violent sexual assault is funny is immediately banned. Sorry. My skin is thick, but I still remember the pain of it sometimes and I have no tolerance for men who gave up their humanity such that they think rape is fucking wonderful.

(Apparently I got banned because I thought rape was "wonderful.")

(And of course)

Amanda Marcotte Feb 21st, 2007 at 12:15 am
People who continue to wax on about the Duke rape case: People don’t respond because you’re right. They don’t respond because they know from experience that anyone who defends men who write thing like this:
tommrow night, after tonights show, ive decided to have some strippers over to edens 2c. all are welcome.. however there will be no nudity. i plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off while cumming in my duke issue spandex.. all besides arch and tack please respond
Hates women and would defend a rapist who was caught in the act on videotape. No one talks to you because you are rape-loving scum. If you think otherwise, you are mistaken. Your beloved boys who scream “nigger” at black women and joke about killing and raping them may escape the worst charges, but they are not angels. You know it, we know it. That you defend them makes you such lowly, sleazy scum that it’s no wonder no one talks to you. They’re afraid by acknowledging you, they will catch the evil. Know this. Absorb it. Hope you enjoy sleeping at night, you sick, hateful bastards.

Wow Amanda makes any male dialouge that disagrees with her on her site look as natural as Osama Bin Laden at U.S. Naval Academy 4th of July event. She also has the habit of deleting people's posts that question her logic or offer valid counterpoints, along with people giving her a hard time.(Unlike the Cynics here who believe in a free market place of ideas.) While my opinion on certain kinds of women are admittedly low, I have never condoned rape or think its funny. However I do believe in Free Speech, personal responsibility and I consider myself a rather moderate fellow all round. With that said let us deconstruct Amanda:

Amanda, we need to talk its about your future on my campaign....

In her first response she is obiviously lashing out at the people who are making fun of her plight. Which is in poor taste, but then claims that anyone who has found this shirt funny to have lost their humanity.... Okay look gallows humor, its so wrong its funny, is always going to have an appeal to people because of the complexity of the human pysche and sometimes dark humor is the way we deal with heavy shit. I resent that she thinks that I "have given up my humanity," all I did was condem a criminal act and uphold free speech. Also I did note the intent of the shirt as a joke, and yes a bad one. And will people laugh at bad jokes, yes. Does it make them evil, no. Poor judgement and taste, yes, but again evil no. However Amanda, who apparently somehow got promoted to God, had decreed anyone who even giggled at this farce of a shirt no better than an animal. Nice Amanda, next time learn the first rule of tolerance when you face something, like free speech, you don't like. Just because you tolerate something doesn't mean you have to like it, you put up with it because other people put up with your shit so you extend the fucking favor.

...I know its tough to leave, please take this serverance I know you'll feel better. Take a bite, that's it, good girl. Just make sure you go out the back door.

In the next posting Amanda throws up a situation on rational person would defend to cover her ass, her big, fat, unattractive ass. (Yeah the insults come free kids) I am sure that the Duke Lax players are assholes, but they are innocent assholes. Innocent until proven guilty and so far innocent based on the evidence found. But Amanda would still burn these dumbasses, and they are dumbasses, at the stake if she could. She uses the racial slurs to ensure that she can vilify these dummies. Followed by a cute and subtle accusation that in fact they are guilty, by tossing the word "escape" in there. Escaping the worst of the charges Amanda? You mean like they actually did do it. Despite all the evidence? Despite the fact they are innocent until proven otherwise thanks to the way our legal system works, but you somehow through your divine nature know otherwise?

You sure seemed pissed when the Duke Lax boys close ranks and didn't talk to the police, its no like you have the right to remain silent, or let your lawyer speak for you. (Refering to In fact your divine powers even told you they were guilty. You go so far to call them rapists even before their trial, nice way to stay level headed while talking about something important to you. You don't both to say alleged or call them suspects or at least pretend to pay lip service to the idea of a legal system that is based upon evidence and presumption of innocence. Though you do seemed suprised that this even made it to trial.(Refering to Hey guess what humanity is not perfect and from 200 years ago to this present day we have seen a huge evolution in personal freedoms, interpretations of the law, intellectual thought, philosophy, and even the way we bake bread. Good and decent people want to see justice done, keyword here JUSTICE. That means evidence, a fair trial the whole nine yards, even if they are privelleged and want to lawyer up. Now if being an asshole was a crime you, me the Duke Lax team would probably all be sitting on death row (ladies first :P); but its not a crime so even though you hate what they represent doesnt mean you can take it out on them hoping someone listens to you and punishes them anyway.

Really there is no difference between you and Bill O'Rielly or the Westboro Baptists. You are nothing more than the polar opposite of Ann Coulter. You are all rabid extremists thinking that the whole of America should rally behind you. What makes you really sad is that you will stand up for good things i.e. against the war on Iraq but push to the extremes. Look Amanda I think you make people take rape far less seriously than they should because when they see your name attached to what may well be a well thought out arguement all they think is evil feminazi bitch or whatever. I think a T-Shirt is the least of worries and is far less a deadly enemy to you than your own rabid mind.

You may claim your Douchebag crown along with a pint of Ben and Jerry's for the ride home.

-Grey Fox

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Dating Smart.

Everyone has a friend that seems to end up dating women who make you think of that evolutionary chart of mankind, but in reverse. Every time they bring home a new girl, she is even worse than the last one. Its like tuning into watch a professional athlete and take interest in his career just after he hit his peak and is plummeting to earth. No words can do justice to describe to you some of the ham-fisted hog beasts for personalities I have seen cast their shadow across some friendships, bank accounts and lives. They are not all hideous in appearance, by their mind and personality are a first class trip into a Lovecraftian* nightmare of inferiority complexes and control issues.

(* I have no idea who Lovecraft is other than some trippy horror writer, but fuck it, if you do then there's some literary referential humor for you.)

But what drives men to date poorly? Many a Cosmo writer would claim these guys just don't understand the game of dating. Ah, great dating is now apparently a game. No one takes games seriously, except for professional players. But hey when's the last time you heard about someone being a professional dater, using relationships for fun, wealth, favors and even fame....

"If I hear one more question about who the father is I'll just DIE!"

Back to our regulary scheduled program.... Do I think there are some guys out there who have a snowballs chance in hell of getting a date. Sure, but I'm willing to bet a lot more guys run into constant frustration with the fact that a lot of women are not all sugar and spice. I believe a lot of guys just run into a lot of women enjoy being bitches, drama queens or are just fucking clueless about how to treat other people. Then you hear about the popular myth that a woman will not tell a guy she is not interested because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Though this is a whole other post all together simply put, when a guy hears "No" he knows to move on and not waste time. Women that do this either are not mature, or like keeping around a "Plan B." But right there you can see there is enough crap like that out there to discourage a guy from wanting to date and meet people.*

(* People meaning women, we know plenty of other guys, and no we do not want to meet a woman's guy friends and hang out as one big sausage fest.)

Dating smart is huge these days because so many taboos have been shattered by in Western culture that almost anything goes. Actually is should rephrase that, many taboos have been shattered for women. A woman can justify dating multiple men because she has the right to look around. But if a man dates around and a woman finds out about it and all of a sudden your that bastard they saw on the Lifetime daytime TV movie who left his crippled blind wife and 3 retarded children for her sister...

Then there is the whole idea of standards, which is fine. But then there are the little "tests" women like to put a potential date through. I liken these little tests to those used to prove witchcraft, there fucking retarded and jury rigged like a carnival game.

But fear not guys I'm here to help you cut through the crap......

My Smart Dating Tips:

  1. Quantity does not equal quality, but you have to go through a quantity of assholes to find the quality.
  2. Knowledge is power, if your friends know something that might raise a red flag or get her to raise her skirt use it.
  3. Confidence is key, you can fake it or you can have it based upon something you have or do. Like your mastery of carpentry or the fact you know you have other women date if this one doesn't work out.
  4. No means no, maybe means no, and yes is a definate maybe.
  5. Never call more than 3 times in a day, and even 3 is a lot. Seriously what the fuck do you have to talk about that requires three different conversations. While we are on it, never spend more than a minute on the phone say what you have to say.
  6. Compliments should be used sparringly and should never be over the top. If you think like you sound like some guy out of a date movie you are a souless cheeseball.
  7. Once you leave a message its on her to call you back, you do not keep calling back, you are not desperate.
  8. One night stands require game and the whole comfort barrier thing has to come down fast so play your hand accordingly. While the whole normal dating process revolves around developing a rapport over time. However both involve timing, which you should be aware of.
  9. You can care, just not that much.
  10. Never be afraid to stop dating someone or end a date early because she is an awful date.
  11. Never submit to games or tests, let the quantity of women out there work against the ones who want to "epic quests." Date other women and let the bitches on the high horses feet get cold in the corner.
  12. Listen to understand, not to talk back.
  13. If your "spider sense" is tingling and you think your date is a bad bitch, trust that little voice that warns you about danger, like sticking your dick in a door jamb and shutting the door.
  14. Don't date to date, or to please other people. This is the best way to have negative experiences.
  15. Have your own set of standards and stick to them. No free passes no exceptions.
  16. Burn bridges when you are done dating, make sure they know there is no second time around. Trust me your santiy will thank you later.
  17. Dating is a game, but it has to be a win-win game. Because if someone feels like they have lost they are going to want to do something to make them feel like they have turned the tables on you.
  18. Date lots of women, and always pack a condom. Never ever trust a woman you have just started to fuck to be on the pill or have condoms of her own for you.
  19. Never be afraid to let go of the rope, the more you pull the more someone will pull back and you will get nowhere. Drop the rope and they will move closer to you, without the effort.
  20. Don't waste time and time will be on your side.

-Grey Fox