Monday, January 15, 2007

How To Escape From A Bad Date.

As many of you or many of you will find there is such a thing as a bad date. The common example is some random guy that doing something to turn some random girl off. How off you ask? Well to quote Ali he could turn the lights off so fast he could be in bed before it was dark, that off that quickly. But believe it or not for as many horror stories they may print up in Cosmo about man preforming poorly, (on the date jackass), there are just as many stories of women blowing their chance for a second date and a trip to the sack, because lets face it none of us are just seeing each other for the shared companionship, otherwise we'd all just be really good, plutonic, friends. So why don't we hear more about women being bad dates. Well who the hell would believe you she was a bad date, unless she was an escaped lunatic trying to make a spaceship to return to her home planet out of chopped off cocks; its been universally held that men are the bad daters. On top of that who would you really tell, to a lot of guys it may seem like seeing a UFO, they think they are the only person who has seen something that can't explain. But barring some 3 boobed alien chick, two in the front and one in the back for dancing, landing in you yard and whisking you away for an interstellar blowjob, trust me you are going to have a few bad dates.

The amazing thing is not all bad dates occur on the first date. See like many guys I reffer to chicks having what is called "pyscho cards." These are little moments that signify that not only the her is showing up, but that the real her is Hannibal Lecter...with daddy issues. Some chicks deal out these cards like a vegas blackjack dealer, and they are easy to spot. But then there are others that slip you a few bad hands over time, you don't notice until you are in a cult and its time to drink the cool aide. Well maybe not that bad, but there will be times when she will do some real crazy shit like threaten to kill herself if you left, or simply chase after your car with a knife in one hand and several photoshop images of what your children might look like. Think I'm kidding about that last one. So rather than get caught in a bad relationship why not head off that crap by avoiding, and if need be ditching that bad date in the first place.

First off you have to keep three things in mind before walking into that date:

1. You have standards, they are called standards for a reason. Some people, women, say men are picky if they have standards. If you really think about that all women are saying is that they do not want to go through the same rigorous bullshit they put men through while dating. Of course they don't call it rigorous bullshit, they call it "tests" to see if a guy meets their "standards." Think about it.

2. Realize that crazy is a bad thing. Sure everyone has the right to be their own creative "free spirited" person. But there is such a thing as too free spirited, because as emotionally high as these people get just think about the lows they get to plummet to when the snap or the meds run out. Also forget what people say about crazy bitches being fun in the sack, its not true I promise, mental instability is mental instability it will not turn her into Jenna Jameson. Her friends just told you she was "wild," but thats so they could palm her off onto you since all her drama was taking valuable time away from being with their men.

3. You damn well better learn to say "NO." No is a small about incredibly powerful word, if used correctly it can completely shut someone or an idea, like a second date, down. Don't try and soften the blow, don't try and talk her out of wanting to date you, don't try and reason or justify hanging or not haning out just say no. No is final, no is not reversible because it removes any question that something is up for negotations. No empowers you to take back your life by preventing someone's outside interests from conflicting with yours, namely not to have your face end up on the back of a milk carton one day.

Now not all bad dates with women involve mentally unstable bitches. Those are just the fun stories you get to laugh at one day with your buddies over a beer or when you do meet a good girl. Actually it is important to share some stories with your girl about stuff like this because it acts as a cautionary tale, lets her know what you do and don't tolerate, and gives you later justification to break up with her if she starts acting like one of your crazy ex-girlfriends. On a side note there is nothing more funny than telling a girl you are breaking up with her because you see her "as a continuation of a cycle of abuse you are trying to break." Its the easiest legit cope out break up move you can do, she can't question it, she damn well can't tell her friends because then they have to ask what she did to make you think it and if you come off sincere she'll probably just disappear from your life quickly since seeing you in public would be embarassing for her. Is it a shithead move, maybe, but last time I checked there are no rule books for dating and there are damn sure no Refs to call fouls.
No other bad dates just range from golddiggers, prudes, women with bitch fits, princesses, women who think they are players, rather commonly women who are just boring. Now you wouldn't want to waste your time and money on a crazy bitch and I'm sure you wouldn't want to waste your time on these.

So how do you escape a bad date, its pretty easy actually. Like your HMO its all about prevention. Get to know her first, and by that I mean let her talk. Give her the oppurtunity to talk about herself, focus on her. She won't know any better and she'll love the attention, more importantly the more she talks the more she gives away. She is more likely to shoot her foot off while she is shooting her mouth off to you. Next if any of your buddies know her or know about her never be afraid to ask, if they are your close friends they wouldn't steer you wrong and will warn if you have to be warned. Actually I myself have a standing policy with my friends in the event I get head overheels with a bitch that is bad for me and I can't see it, it is there job to literally kick my ass, hold me down and remind me I made them promise to do this if I ever dated a girl like that and couldn't see her for what she was. But that is how much I trust my inner circle of friends. On top of that keeping your options open works wonders, its like car shopping with so many different models why settle for a fucking Yugo.

So what if you are on a bad date and you want to run, well you can figure your own McGuyver plan out or you can do the easy way. Simply get up go to the bathroom and call a buddy and have him call you in 5 minutes so you can fake an emergency. Go back and sit down when he calls you better reach down and pull out your inner Harrison Ford and act like something serious just happened. Sick grandma, emergency at work, buddy stranded in Vegas and needs some cash from Western Union now-ish, you just realized you are Jack Bauers and you have 24 hours to save the world, again. Whatever, something earth shaking has just happened and this date is over. This allows you to do a couple of things, first you can get your date home safely, pay the bill and you can tell her that once things have settled down you'll call her. "You'll call her," which should mean you'll call her between tomorrow and the madien voyage of the first flying pig. Sure there are more direct things like saying this date is over, or simply going through with the whole date, which is painful and stupid. Not the calling the date over part, but having to fake your way through the date is far more crueler to her and especially you.

What if your date has been a special slice of super bitch this evening. Well nothing corrects bad behavior like negative reinforcement, at least thats what it says in my dog training manual, my dog used to piss all the time on my favorite chair, she didn't respond to my other attempts at stopping her which wear not negative responses. But I found that after putting her nose in it and saying "no, no" a couple of times she got the point. See sticking a real bitches nose in it in the dating world can be a real eye opener. Only under certain special occasions do I recommend sneaking out. Because nothing is more embarassing than realizing your date snuck out on you, stuck you with the bill and no means of transportation. And while you may feel bad that she is now stranded and fending for herself it will give her ample time to realize that you had a point on why the concept of Escape From New York was an awesome movie despite her constant eye rolling.... Actually the fact that someone got up and walked out on her without giving her the time of day as to why will take her down a peg or two. On top of that she has friends to call for a ride, some valiant goody two shoes guy will take pity on her and pay for her meal and a cab, or she has her own money. Now if she decides to walk home through a city at night by herself, thats not you being a shithead thats her being dumb and put herself in God and Darwin's hands. For you more gangster types you can tell her she to her face, get up, leave and tell her to find another way home. This humiliation is far more public and will definately crush that juiced up "woman's spirit" Oparh harps on about. And finally there is these two cop outs, one you aren't feeling well and two the wishy washy maybe its me or maybe its you but you just don't feel it speech. But really if you soften the blow how will your bad dates ever learn they are just that bad dates. Being sketchy and vague about telling someone you don't want to see them is what women do to avoid the responsibilty that comes with anyone who dates that is you don't string someone along and you damn well let them know they are wasting their time.

-Grey Fox

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